Trying to have it all? Remember, moms, it doesn't have to happen all at once

From the time girls are small, we’re told we can have it all. What that means is different for each of us.

The “you can have it all” mentality isn’t bad, or wrong. Quite the contrary. It’s good and beneficial. It gives girls something to strive for, and it tells us we can achieve great things at home and at work. Unfortunately, it leaves no room for life’s seasonality and implies that women should have it all at the same time, which can be a stress-inducing reality that leaves women with limited time to enjoy and appreciate what they have achieved.

As a working mom with two businesses, a spouse, two kids, a dog and life’s many other demands, I’ve struggled with my fair share of mom guilt over the years. I’ve driven away from daycare with tear-filled eyes. I’ve made late-night trips to the ER and gone to work early the next day. I’ve held conference calls while nursing. I’ve managed appointments during lunch. I’ve called family or friends in a panic to cover the bases when I can’t. I’ve pumped in really weird places while traveling for work.

All that to say, I get it. I see you trying to have it all. And I’ve come to this one conclusion: We can’t.

Well, let me rephrase that. We can have it all, but perhaps not all at once. Something or someone somewhere has got to give. And it’s OK to be OK with that.

Serving as a spouse, mom and career woman is tough work. But it can be done — and it can be done well. By no means do I have this figured out, nor do I expect to in this lifetime, but here are a few tips I’ll pass on to those with me in the trenches:

When we start out in our career, we set lofty goals — as we should. But, life changes, families grow and careers morph. Is what you wanted then, what you still want now? If not, there’s no shame in saying so.

I can’t stress this point enough. There is a season for everything under the sun, and we can be in any number of them independently or simultaneously. The important thing to remember when you’re in a tough one (hello COVID) is that it will pass, or you’ll adjust. When you’re in a season of ease, it too will pass, or you’ll adjust. There’s not much permanency, so get on board with learning how to transition well.

There’s so much to say here, but I’ll keep it short. What’s best and right for “her” is not necessarily what’s best and right for you. Ditch the comparison that’s stealing your joy, and do what’s best for your family in your current season.

Don’t compromise on goals you’ve set, but by all means make an adjustment where you can, and stop putting extra pressure on yourself. As an example, when Madison Upton, owner of Upton & Co., wanted to earn her MBA, she decided to shift the timing once she became a mom. She still accomplished her goal, but shifted her original timeline. That’s still a win, friends!

We are often our own worst critics. The voice yelling, “you can have it all” can be louder than practical reasoning. But, if you turn down the volume on the yelling and think about who you’ll most disappoint, it’s typically yourself…and that’s an opportunity to cultivate grace.

You can’t do it alone. Even Superman leaned into Lois Lane and his parents where kryptonite was concerned. My best advice is this: find a community of people that see your struggle, applaud your progress, and support your weaknesses. Maybe that’s your friends and family. Maybe that’s a church group. Maybe that’s a mom-centric organization. Only you can determine that – but when you find it, dive in headfirst!

When we work so hard, we can get caught plowing through with our heads down. Don’t be that person. Lift your eyes. Notice when others need your expertise, your encouragement or your counsel. You may just build up a supportive community you didn’t have before.

I’m standing with you, moms! Let’s keep telling young women they can have it all. Let’s keep encouraging them dream, build and achieve – but let’s lead by example and show them it’s OK to have it all in a way that makes sense for them.