Tips from an educator: How to help your child be both included and an 'includer'

With school back in full swing, many parents are knee-deep into helping their kids succeed in school – assisting with math, writing, or science projects. What can be harder for parents to navigate is how to help kids succeed socially, especially when it comes to social inclusion.

At the start of a new school year, multiple dynamics affect the classroom climate. There are children who have been together in the same class for several years who have both positive and negative relationships with one another. There are students who are unhappy about a best friend being placed in another class. And there are students and families who are new to the school or even to the area.

Families are busier than ever with after-school activities and weekend commitments. Making time for children to play with classmates outside of school becomes an added challenge for parents. Students come in with different learning needs and styles, personalities, academic and athletic abilities, interests, lives outside of school, backgrounds, and ideas about friendship. Each of these factors cannot be overlooked when creating a classroom community. Students need to know that when they come into their classrooms each day they will be included and loved for being themselves.

Teachers understand that their students come to school with these myriad experiences and know that each student desperately wants to feel included, loved, and safe. It is normal for young children to find it difficult to express their feelings, regulate their emotions, and always make the right decision when faced with a difficult one. As a result, children can unintentionally be hurtful or exclusive in their actions and interactions with their classmates and peers.

Being overlooked by a friend choosing a seat at lunch or excluded from a game at recess because of athleticism are two situations a child may encounter. When children feel excluded from a group or activity or feel frustrated by another child’s words or actions, there is a greater chance that they will not be open to learning. Teachers who recognize the importance of supporting the students in these areas and who are passionate about helping their students can create a caring community of learners, and parents can reinforce these values at home.

First, children need to be taught how to include one another and how to look for someone who is being excluded or overlooked. Coach your child on what social isolation looks like: someone sitting alone; not having fun; not fully participating.

Additionally, students must explicitly learn how to navigate situations in which they are feeling left out or excluded. Teaching children to self-advocate in these instances is just as important as teaching them how to look for those who may need to be included. It is important to teach children that they will have times when they feel left out, and it can make them feel sad, disappointed, and even mad.

Providing children with the language and vocabulary they can use in both of these situations is critical. If a child notices another child looking lonely, a smile or wave can go a long way. Reaching out and simply asking, “Would you like to sit with me?” or “Would you like to join our game?” is a great next step.

If a child is feeling isolated, he or she may find success with “I statements.” For example, “I feel sad at lunch, may I sit with you today?” Older students may be more comfortable starting with a question or making a connection using “What did you think about our math test today?”

Having strategies for managing their emotions will help students’ social and emotional well-being, while also making them more available for learning in the classroom. By teaching them the language to use and how to handle these situations, teachers and parents can work together to equip our students with both the self-confidence and the problem-solving skills necessary to navigate a variety of life circumstances.

And when children feel empowered with a toolbox of language and strategies, they can participate fully in the learning experience we envision for them – as learners with an engaged mind.