Parenting lessons from the new movie, 'Eighth Grade'

Michelle Icard, a Charlotte-based expert on middle school, finds lots of lessons - and important reminders - in the new movie "Eighth Grade."

Posted 6:47 p.m. Aug 4, 2018 — Updated 6:48 p.m. Aug 4, 2018

Michelle Icard

Editor's Note: The new movie, "Eighth Grade," rated R and now in wide release, follows the story of Kayla, an eighth grader as she maneuvers through her teenage years. Michelle Icard, a Charlotte-based expert on middle schoolers and mom of two, finds lots of lessons - and important reminders - in this critically acclaimed movie. She originally shared this post on her blog.

Kayla, the lovable, cringey, try-hard heroine of the beautiful new movie, "Eighth Grade," teaches us a lot about what it’s really like to be in middle school today. Eighth grade, if you don’t remember, is emotionally and developmentally exhausting.

I related strongly to Kayla.

The need to constantly practice and perform new versions of myself. Trying out, over and over, what to say before casual interactions with people. Fretting over hair, makeup and clothes … and still getting them wrong. Buying uncool gifts for girls’ birthdays (twice) and having to endure the “thank you” made out of one side of their mouths while making eyes at everyone around them. Knowing parents made their kids invite me to a party and showing up anyway, then struggling to figure out where to stand and what to do.

Believing in the possibility of 'next time'

And despite all the rebuttals, still trying, still believing, still practicing for the next day, the next event, the next year at school. Someone asked me recently about a story I recount in my book, "Middle School Makeover: Improving The Way You and Your Child Experience The Middle School Years," when I showed up on the first day of sixth grade in a ridiculously wrong outfit.

What would I have done differently? I knew the answer right away. Nothing. You can’t fault a 12-year-old girl for trying and getting it wrong. This is what I loved most about Kayla. Despite all evidence to the contrary, despite moments of total doubt, she believes deep down in the possibility of the next time.

My friend and I cowered as we watched the movie together, turning to each several times with wide eyes and heads shaking “no”….

As she approached the popular girl with a note.

As she went to the pool party where clearly she was not wanted.

As she produced YouTube videos with total views: 1.

As she complimented the winner of the Best Eyes superlative with an awkward “good job.”

As she concluded each video with her heartfelt and corny trademark sign off.

It felt like every few minutes really, I was torn between “No! Don’t Kayla. When will you get it?” And, “Yes, Kayla! Keep. On. Going!”

If “Eighth Grade” reminded you (or showed you for the first time) how raw and utterly exhausting eighth grade can be, did it also leave you wondering how to help your own kids?

(Before you read on: spoiler alert. I venture into plot below.)

Kayla’s dad deserves a lot of praise. She gave him every reason to be worried or angry or sad. I can already hear the parents whose reaction to the movie will be, “My house, my rules! I’d never let my kid talk to me that way! Much less throw fruit at me.” Yet despite her unpleasantness, he was a champion.

Here are some of things he did well in a tough situation:

He didn’t get angry. He sensed her stress and let it go. He didn’t make her emotional responses about him. Best of all, he didn’t say, “I’m sad when you’re sad.” Or anything that would add his emotional burden to hers. It’s hard enough dealing with the roiling emotions of adolescence in addition to having to shoulder your parents’ emotions, too.

He never made suggestions. It would have been easy to say, “Kayla, that Hollister tee shirt is just too tight and kids might tease you.” Or, “Maybe you’d get more views on your channel if you brought in a guest!” He resisted the urge to fix things and let her do her own thing.

He kept checking in. Every night in his boxers at her bedroom door. During meal times together, even when she only wanted to wear headphones. He, like a loyal Labrador Retriever, was consistent despite her attempts to push him away.

He facilitated connections. He drove her everywhere she wanted to go. He did not cut off her social media to punish her for rude behavior, though any parent may have been tempted. He never underestimated the importance of her feeling connected to people her own age.

He affirmed how special and loveable she is.

I worried when Kayla’s dad took her to the mall to meet a group of seniors after she connected with a sweet senior girl she shadowed at the high school. I questioned his thinking, wondering, “What good could come of an eighth grader hanging out with seniors she (and he) doesn’t know and then being driven home by them?”

I came around to this, too. Had it not been for her experience in the car on the way home from the mall, Kayla wouldn’t have known how bad she felt being objectified and having her boundaries pushed. If she hadn’t known that, she would have sent those photos to Aiden as she intended.

And how was she able to get out of that awful car situation? By using her voice so confidently. She’d practiced, day after day, on her YouTube channel to her audience of one. She’d practiced when she griped to her dad about his weird and annoying behavior. Her dad never stifled any of this. Along the way, the girl who won the Most Quiet superlative ended up finding her voice because her dad let her.

As the saying goes, there is no way to be a perfect parent and a million ways to be a good one. Kayla’s dad gives us a stellar example of how to raise a strong, resilient girl.

Michelle Icard is a mom of two teens and a Charlotte-based expert and author on the middle school years.

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