Honest, direct, yet gentle: Raleigh Episcopal priest pens picture book to explain death, grief to kids

The subject of death, dying and grief has intrigued Mary Davila since she was at least an undergraduate student at the University of Richmond, willingly getting up to take an early morning class on the topic during her senior year.

The lessons from the class intrigued Davila - and have served her well in her current career. Davila has been an Episcopal priest for 13 years and served as a children's minister before she went to seminary. Today, she's assistant rector at Christ Church in Raleigh and the co-author of a new picture book called "Grandpa's Tent" about grief.

I checked in with Davila to learn more about her book, her work and her advice for parents about how to talk to their young children about death. Here's a Q&A ...

While there are some great children’s books out there, we didn’t know of one that touched on all of the topics that we felt it was important to address: aging, dying, death, a visitation, heaven and grief.

We didn’t know of one book that was comprehensive; whose theology resonated; and that talked about and illustrates what it looks like inside of an assisted living facility and what to expect at a funeral service and burial. We wanted a book that is honest, direct and, yet, gentle.

Building on the image given to us in 2 Corinthians, Grandpa explains that our bodies are like tents. They serve as temporary dwelling places, but they aren’t meant to be permanent homes.

As Grandpa gets older and his “tent” starts to weaken, Hannah visits him in a nursing home. Eventually, Grandpa dies. Hannah’s parents talk gently and openly with her about what to expect at the visitation and funeral, and Hannah is included in the rituals of saying goodbye.

Adults think that we have to have the “right” answers, but what we really need is to establish ourselves as truth-worthy. If a child asks us about our own mortality, and we make a claim such as, “Nothing bad will ever happen to Mommy,” children know in their hearts that that is an impossible promise to keep. It’s better to say, “I expect to live a very long time. Most people do. You will always be cared for; you have so many people who love you.”

Children notice that animals die, flowers die and people die. You probably don’t have to initiate a conversation about death; children are likely to bring it up. And it’s best to do what Grandpa does — don’t ignore the question. Go there with them, emotionally. Tell them what it means to die and share with them your beliefs about life after death.

It’s a bit easier when conversations about death arise when the emotional stakes are lower, and the child is simply curious instead of actively grieving a death. But we can’t always control the timing of things, so know that what matters is that you honor their questions and tell them the truth.

We see Grandpa when he is fully well, as his body begins to weaken, as he moves into a nursing home; we see Hannah’s tears upon hearing of his death; we see her family visited by the minister; we see renderings of the visitation and funeral service, as well as the burial. Those words — visitation, funeral service, and burial — may make adults tense up, but the renderings of them are so gentle and loving. They send the message that death and grief are hard and we feel sad, but we are not alone: our family, friends, and faith will see us through.

I read Grandpa’s Tent with my children, answered their questions, and then left it out. I see them pick it up from time to time, and that leads me to believe that they do want to understand; they are curious.

Talking about death is inevitably hard, but it doesn’t have to be scary. We hope this book brings peace, comfort, and hope to those who read it.