When is the right moment to move mom or dad to residential memory care?

In my experience, most families keep their loved one at home as long as feasibly possible. I have seen client after client say something to the effect of, “If my husband does X, then I’ll definitely know it is time.” Then the husband has a "good day" and the line or limit is muddied and they change their mind.

It was an understandable change in course. It’s true that single incidents need not necessarily trigger a move.

It’s also true that, kind of like the frog in boiling water analogy, needs related to dementia change over time and family members grow in their ability to meet them. Whereas the idea of caring for someone who was incontinent at the beginning of the dementia journey might have seemed absolutely impossible, family members, over time, stretch in their abilities and perceived limits.

What one family can manage might be entirely inconceivable to another—especially when physical limitations, young children, or jobs are part of the picture. That’s okay. There is no judgment.

Isn’t that one gift of aging? Not having to pretend you are capable of doing everything yourself?

Fortunately, I was broken of this misconception during a particularly stressful period in our own family’s life. I had never asked for help, but it was clear we needed it. It doesn't take a PhD in Psychology to understand this dream: In it, I had volunteered to take my children’s middle school class to Outward Bound. Everyone was milling around before setting off on a week-long backpacking trip and I suddenly realized I had forgotten my pack. To make matters worse, I desperately needed to use the restroom, but there was only one stall with glass walls set in the middle of the group of teenagers… and there was no toilet paper.

It’s not always a bad thing to reach your limit--to become aware of your strengths and weaknesses, and furthermore, give yourself a little credit for taking the ball down the field so far.

I recently read in the Journal of the American Medical Association that caregivers of loved ones with dementia die at a rate 63 percent higher than people the same age who are not caring for someone with dementia.

So when is the right time? I have no definitive answer to give you. I will say that people most often call me when these has been an unequivocal uptick in frequency and intensity of difficult behaviors (most often, wandering out of the house at night, uncharacteristic combativeness and agitation, or dangerous behaviors, like leaving the stove or bathwater on…)

When that moment comes, be gentle with yourself, but also be realistic. Ask for help from the wisest family members around you. Call Dementia Alliance NC. Take a deep breath when your mind starts ruminating in unhelpful ways. I've come to understand that one doesn’t do all of one’s growing up in the first half of life; sometimes the hardest lessons come in the second half.