Tips to deal with mom guilt and burnout

Mom guilt is real and so is burnout, so we turned to an expert on these topics - Sara Rose Whaley, parent coach and Board Certified Behavior Analyst.

Posted 11:00 a.m. Mar 15, 2022 — Updated 2:33 p.m. Mar 15, 2022

Sara Davison

, Founder of Kinly

RALEIGH, N.C. — Editor's note: Sara Davison is founder of Kinly, a Triangle-based parenting platform designed to support parents to be and parents of littles through access to expert support, education and community care.

Mom guilt is real and so is burnout, so we turned to an expert on these topics - Sara Rose Whaley, parent coach and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. She works with parents to decrease guilt and burnout, increase awareness and self-care, and learn respectful parenting strategies that work.

Tell us a little bit about you, your family and how you got into the work you are doing now.

Sara Whaley: I’ve worked with families for over 15 years as a developmental therapist and Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA). In my work as a BCBA, I saw so much mom guilt, shame, burnout, lack of self-care, and parents not being on the same page. I would come with effective behavioral strategies but parents weren’t able to implement them because all these issues were getting in the way. As a parent coach, I saw an opportunity to combine my love of the toddler stage, my passion for helping parents, and my behavior background to provide a more holistic approach to increasing parents’ joy during this rollercoaster stage.

My husband and I have 2 toddlers: Grace, 3.5 and Thomas, 2. While it is absolutely a crazy, messy, chaotic, and frustrating stage, we find so much joy by implementing the strategies that I teach.

It feels like every mom I know deals with mom guilt regularly, even when we feel we are doing our level best. Why has this become so normalized in our society?

Because It’s so relatable! I think every mom deals with mom guilt so it’s something that bonds us. I think it comes from a place of despair, believing that this is just the way motherhood has to be so why not bond over it?

If mothers believed that there was a way to be a loving, committed mom without the constant mom guilt, I think it would change society.

So I am here to spread the news: you can be an amazing mom without constant mom guilt.

It’s no secret that moms are burned out, especially after the last two years of a pandemic. Is it even possible to parent without feeling burned out anymore?

Motherhood is hard now. And obviously the pandemic has made it even harder. And absolutely there are societal changes that need to be made to support moms. There are circumstances that are harder than others. However, I have clients who have time and resources and they are still burned out, so I believe that it’s a universal phenomenon regardless of circumstances or resources.

That said, I think there are so many expectations that moms put on themselves. I talk a lot about Hopeful Expectations versus Current Reality. It’s the idea that we get these expectations of the way things “should” be instead of being really honest about what our current reality is. Then when those expectations aren’t met, guilt, shame, sadness, despair, anger, and burnout set in. By being brutally honest with ourselves and our realities, I do think there are ways to decrease burn out.

What would be your top 3 tips to help moms deal with burnout & guilt?

1. Take care of yourself. And I don’t mean “get a pedicure once a month.” I mean: find ways to truly recharge, every day. Have compassion and grace for yourself so that you’re able to enjoy motherhood.

2. Set realistic expectations based on your current reality, and then let the rest go (physically and mentally!)

3. Learn how to manage guilt (I talk about this a lot on social media and in coaching)

Sometimes I feel we are too busy as moms to even make time or have the headspace to make the changes you mention. But what are the ramifications on ourselves, our children & families if we don’t?

To me, the biggest ramification is regret. Regretting that you didn’t enjoy the various stages of motherhood, regretting that you were so hard on yourself, regretting that you didn’t prioritize your marriage.

I decided to work with parents who have infants and toddlers because I don’t want any parent to have regrets. I want to catch them early and help them set a strong foundation that will carry them through the various stages of parenthood. I want them to look back on their motherhood journey with pride, knowing they parented how they wanted to.

Tell us a little more about your practice and how you can support families with your services

Most of my services are virtual, although I will occasionally provide in person consults. I really help families look at what success means for them and then give them actionable strategies to help them meet their goals. Although I heavily educate on respectful behavior strategies for toddlers, I really focus on the whole family. That means making sure each parent is getting recharging self-care, helping parents define their family values, giving them assignments to improve their communication, working through mom guilt, and figuring out what Hopeful Expectations they can ditch.

My ultimate goal for every client is that they leave coaching feeling more joy and confidence as a parent and as a person.

Sara Whaley is an expert on the Kinly network and speaker who was selected at one of Kinly’s monthly mama meetups on the topic of Mom Guilt & Burnout

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