The Drink That Stands Between Recovery and Relapse

Q: I have been alcohol free for six months after years of overuse. I feel great but still struggle. I was never a sloppy drunk and may have been too successful in hiding how much I drank from family and friends. The problem: People keep asking, “When are you going to start drinking again?” A co-worker even said, “I miss drinking with you. Won’t you have just one cocktail?” The people in my recovery group tell me I don’t owe anyone answers. But staring back blankly at friends doesn’t seem practical. Any ideas? — Tracie

A: Other than wanting to give you a ticker-tape parade? Recognizing our toughest problems and getting them in check is backbreaking work. Well done, Tracie! I get what your support group is saying: You have no duty to explain yourself. Especially at the beginning of a program, better to keep the focus on you and not waste energy fending off pals who may try to convince you that you don’t have a drinking problem.

But now, with six months of sobriety under your belt, consider the flip side. Confiding my struggles in friends almost always makes me feel better — with a shared sense of life’s inevitable hardships. So, let’s break down these curious cats into two camps: true friends and former drinking buddies.

To the barflies, say: “I’m not drinking anymore. It didn’t agree with me.” No need to elaborate. But with friends and family who love you (and who won’t be defensive about drinking problems), share more of your struggle. The emotional payoff could be huge, and you might extend your universe of allies beyond the four walls of your support group.

Q: Eight weeks ago, my daughter called me in tears. She said that my young grandson needed therapy and asked me to help pay for it. I have the money, so I agreed immediately. I have since learned that the therapy involves my grandson possibly “transitioning” to granddaughter. To say I disapprove is a big understatement. If I’d known the true purpose of the therapy, I never would have agreed to pay. May I stop? — Ingrid

A: Ingrid, meet Bad Idea. Bad Idea, Ingrid. It’s your money. You have every right to withhold it. But why on earth would you do such a mean-spirited thing when your grandchild is possibly in crisis, and you have the means to help?

Before you stop any checks, meet with a doctor or therapist who understands transgender issues. Talk it out. Then call your daughter and ask how you can help. The miserable thing about real life is how little it resembles our picture-postcard fantasies of it. Still, grapple we must — especially for the people we love.

Q: I work in a desolate area without food options. If you don’t bring your lunch, your belly will be empty. I keep a stash of microwaveable food for the inevitable times when I leave my intended meal at home. Having experienced poverty and hunger, I let colleagues know they can always ask for food. Only rarely has anyone taken me up on it — until now. A wonderful colleague who is 22 joined us recently. Since I told him about my food stash, he’s come to me six days in a row for lunch. I don’t want him to be hungry, but I don’t feel like supporting another adult, either. How should I handle this? — Anonymous

A: Let’s assume your young colleague is earning a living wage to get us all over the hurdle of poverty-induced hunger. Lazy and disorganized people (and fresh-faced kids with poor budgeting skills) might also go hungry at your office, but there is less moral imperative to feed them (every day). I bet this young man misunderstands your food stash. Clue him in.

Say: “These Hot Pockets are for when I forget to bring lunch. You’re welcome to them when you forget yours. But I’m paying for them out of my own pocket. So, plan on bringing food or replenishing my supply, OK?” (If I’m wrong, and he can’t afford lunch, speak with your boss about subsidizing part of your stash for your new pal.)

Q: My girlfriend and I are in college. She caught me cheating on her and broke up with me. A week later, we met for coffee. I apologized from the bottom of my heart. (I’m really sorry!) She accepted my apology, but she stopped returning my texts and won’t go out with me again. What should I do now? — Nat

A: Leave her alone. And chalk this up to a valuable lesson on apologies. It’s great that you expressed sincere regret. But sadly, apologies do not erase the tape. (You still cheated.) Your former girlfriend accepted your statement of remorse, but seems to have decided not to continue dating a man who cheated on her.

This may make you sad or angry. That’s OK. We all make mistakes. Just don’t be angry with her; she didn’t do anything wrong. For more information, listen to Bob Dylan’s indispensable “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right.”