Thanksgiving Deer Hunt? Sounds Like a Great Time to Talk to the Kids About Guns
Q: We were finalizing our travel plans for Thanksgiving, which we spend with my family in Vermont. Our 13-year-old son, who usually loves going, was hesitant about the trip this year, but he wouldn’t say why. So, we asked his older sister to investigate; they’re close. She told us his reluctance has to do with a family deer hunt that the men and boys go on the morning after the holiday. We told him he didn’t have to go hunting, but he doesn’t want to be around guns at all. Any advice for dealing with this? — PETE
Posted — UpdatedA: I’m just speculating, Pete. But if I were your adolescent son, and my short lifetime had included a terrifying spate of school and mass shootings, I would be skittish around guns, too. (Hunters: I’m definitely not equating you with school shooters!) But there’s only one way to figure out what’s really going on here.
Parents have to talk with their children about guns and gun violence in an age-appropriate way. Given the frequency of tragedies, it’s only natural for kids to be anxious, even if they never bring the subject up. (It’s often the scariest things we don’t talk about.) Ask your son: Is it hunting that bothers you, or guns in general? How do you cope with your feelings? What can we do to help?
The fact that he confided in his sister suggests that he may be ready to explore his feelings. An open conversation with you and his mother may be useful for both kids. If you need help preparing, reach out to a school counselor for resources.
In my experience, engaging with fears also helps us manage them. Maybe your family can get involved with a gun safety initiative in your area. Together, talk and action may reduce your son’s stress level (and possibly produce a fix for Thanksgiving).
A: Possibly, but don’t get your hopes up. I, too, find it annoying when people can’t commit to me (for an hour!) without multiple phone checks. Every glance fractures the conversation. And I’m not shy about speaking up: “Let’s put away our phones. They’re distracting.” Some people can oblige, while others experience immediate phantom phone pain.
Here’s the thing: We can be in the moment with someone or on the lookout for moments to post for other people. Many folks try to do both, but multitasking is a slippery tightrope. Consider a compromise with your boyfriend. Dates are just for you two (maybe one post allowed?). If he wants, he can live the rest of his life selfie by selfie.
A: Definitely! The whole point of eloping is to escape the rituals of a traditional wedding, one of which, typically, is collecting presents from those who attend. It seems that you wanted it both ways: forgo the occasion and still collect the gifts.
It’s terrific that your family was mostly generous with you. And you needn’t attend weddings of people who hurt you. But I’d make that decision based on overall feelings of closeness, not just whether they spontaneously sent a gift-wrapped package.
A: I think your husband needs to punch up his material before he pitches a comedy special to Netflix. Bringing meat would be disrespectful, not hilarious. The terms of the party are pretty clear: Come with a vegan dish or decline the invitation. Your call! But judgments about your friend’s diet are not necessary, and needling her would be a lame gag.
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