Teaching consent: New book says parents need to start from an early age

Consent education is a buzzword these days, and a new book, co-authored by Triangle mom and child safety expert Amy Tiemann, says it's the key to preventing sexual assault.

The goal is to teach kids from a very early age how to set boundaries - whether its playing a specific game on the playground or greeting Aunt Edna with a kiss at the holidays. The lessons they learn now, Tiemann says, can inform their decision years later when they are, for instance, hanging out with a new romantic partner in their college dorm room.

You apply these rules to a wide range of situations such as teaching your five-year-old to ask you first before he picks up his baby sister. You can talk about games being safe, like a game of tag not involving rough tackling. You can talk about tickling games that start out being fun, but that when one person wants to stop, everyone has to respect that and stop. Teasing and jokes may also start out being fun for everyone, but should stop when one person’s feelings get hurt.

If kids grow up with their personal boundaries including touch being respected, and are also expected to respect other people’s boundaries, they are learning essence of consent. It will be much easier to add on conversations about romantic relationships and sexual behavior later if these values are being lived out all along. Beyond basic consent, I would love to see us reach a point where we are setting our sights a lot higher —instead of just “not assaulting” another person, actually being considerate, and wanting to make sure that they are having a really good experience.

What I really love about the Kidpower Rules for Touch is that they emphasize both sides of a relationship: Having people respect my boundaries AND that I need to respect theirs. In an equal world, these conversations would not have to be different around gender. In our current society though, I would still encourage parents to talk to young men in particular about their need to really understand consent and be sure their partner is a willing and enthusiastic participant in any sexual behavior.

“Yes” mean yes to that activity, but that person can still change their mind later. Anything less than “Yes” means “Stop.” That may sound like “Maybe,” “I am not sure,” “I am not really into that,” or any time a person cannot give consent due to intoxication or for any other reason.

For young women, I encourage two things. First, to learn about avoiding being in a high-stakes situation involving Privacy and Control with someone you don’t know well and trust. So, the first time you meet someone, being in a public place and having your own transportation home can be a safe choice. It also means, to the best of your ability, being thoughtful and careful about being alone in a room with someone, such as a dorm room, or isolated room at a party.

My second recommendation for young women is to look out for each other in high-stakes situations, such as parties that are serving alcohol — both by using a buddy system and also intervening as a bystander if you see someone being lured away in a dangerous situation. Men can look out for their friends and act as responsible bystanders as well.

I am personally a fan of high-quality self-defense programs that develop confidence and enhance your overall quality of life. I earned my black belt in ninjutsu training alongside my family, which has been a wonderful learning experience. We share the Kidpower article “How to Pick a Good Self-Defense Program” in “Doing Right by Our Kids.”

Then we get kids up and moving to actually practice walking that way. Another important skill is “Telling until you get help” when you have a safety problem. We can’t expect kids to solve problems like bullying on their own; they often need adult support and advocacy. So, we practice how to tell an adult about a safety problem, even if that means interrupting a busy adult, or persisting and telling more than one person. And we practice having adults listen and say, “Thank you for telling me. I will help you.”

Working as a team of parents, teachers, faith leaders, coaches and more, we can do so much to create safe and supportive communities for all kids!