Taking measure of our presidential candidates

ALBANY, N.Y. _ Presidential prognostication is a bad media habit, especially when done without attention to, you know, actual issues.

But bad habits stick around for a reason: They're fun.

And so, what follows is superficial presidential odds-making focused on the many candidates with ties to the region comprised of upstate New York and adjoining states _ New Upstateland, if you will.

Let's start with the long shots.

Deval Patrick: The 62-year-old former Massachusetts governor, who spends much of his time in Richmond, just over the New York border from Columbia County, recently said he will not run for president, disappointing a handful of people.

Patrick's decision is just as well, because he is too short to actually get elected. At 5-foot-9, he would be the smallest president since Harry Truman. (I warned you this would be superficial.)

Odds of winning the nomination: 500-1.

John Kerry: I like my presidents boring, but Kerry takes dull to an extreme.

Nevertheless, at 75 the former Secretary of State and Massachusetts senator is making noise about running again, and recently said he doesn't see another Democrat who can win. "I'm going to think about it," Kerry said of a presidential run.

Stop thinking, John. Even at 6-foot-4, you'd have little shot.

Odds: 450-1.

Mike Bloomberg: The former New York mayor and Massachusetts native, 76, seems likely to run, even though he once conceded that, at 5-foot-8, he was too short to win.

Bloomberg hasn't grown taller, but he still has a few billion bucks at the ready, an advantage that would force us to take his candidacy seriously. Still, in this populist and anti-establishment age, a candidate so tied to Wall Street won't get far.

Also, the little imperialist would take away our big sodas. Be afraid, America.

Odds: 300-1.

Bill de Blasio: Now here's a candidate with stature! At 6-foot-5, he blocks out the sun.

But height alone won't carry the New York mayor, another Massachusetts native, to the White House. He's a long shot, at best.

Here's a useless tidbit: If de Blasio won, the man formerly known as Warren Wilheim would be the only president other than Gerald Ford (born Leslie Lynch King) to have legally changed both his first and last names.

Question: Do we really want a repeat of the Ford presidency?

Odds: 300-1.

Andrew Cuomo: The governor, an unremarkable 5-foot-11, also pledged not to run, declaring during the campaign that only God striking him dead would keep him from serving out his term.

Those strong words would be difficult to walk back. Yet no politician this side of Donald Trump says more without regard for the truth, so don't be surprised if Cuomo "changes his mind."

Here's hoping he does. Watching Cuomo, 61, pretending to be nice at the Iowa Fair would be hilarious entertainment. And the more time Cuomo spends in distant states, the happier New Yorkers will be.

Odds: 250-1.

Elizabeth Warren: In all seriousness, the height bias in presidential politics is real. History shows that the taller candidate usually wins, evidence our monkey brains still have some evolving to do.

The height prejudice, obviously moronic, is another hurdle for female candidates, including 5-foot-8 Warren.

But she would seem taller if she would stop shooting herself in the foot. Why did Warren publicize a DNA test showing she had scant Native American heritage? It was almost as inexplicable as her claiming to be Native American in the first place.

Pretending to belong to a historically disadvantaged group is not cool.

Odds: 200-1.

Hillary Clinton: Did she lose because, at 5-foot-4, she's 11 inches shorter than Trump? Could be!

But Clinton's loss probably had more to do with the baggage she lugs around; she remains deeply unpopular, according to polls. Still, if she decides to run, Clinton will be formidable in a crowded field, with a campaign slogan nobody else could match: "I won the popular vote last time, and I can win it again!"

Odds: 50-1

Kirsten Gillibrand: Go ahead and knock New York's junior senator for her rather incredible policy shifts. The Gillibrand who bragged about stashing her guns under the bed has morphed into a woman who talks about the "intersectional" future. But even her critics concede that Gillibrand has been remarkably successful at raising her national profile, and anyone who underestimates her is making a mistake. (John Sweeney might agree.)

Odds: 25-1.

Bernie Sanders: The Vermont senator is one of the most popular politicians in the country. He has a large constituency willing to give him money. The Democratic party is moving in his direction. He's even 6 feet tall!

By any measure, Sanders should be considered a front-runner.

No candidate from our neck of the woods has a better shot at the nomination, and I give him 10-1 odds.

What's that you say? He's too old to be president?

Man _ now that's superficial.

Contact columnist Chris Churchill at 518-454-5442 or email cchurchill(at)timesunion.com