The joys, struggles and myths of being a 'one-and-done' parent

If you look closely, you will notice a slow shifting of the ideal family structure. “A recent Pew Research Center study found the number of women who reached the end of their child bearing years with only one child doubled in the last generation, from 11 percent in 1976 to 22 percent in 2015. Census data shows one-child families are the fastest growing family unit in the United States. The percentage of one-child families in other countries is even higher.

In 2018, the New York Times polled women of childbearing age to find out what was behind the decision to have fewer babies. They found factors like the high cost of daycare, economic uncertainty, and the emotional and mental impact of being a mom played key roles in why many women are choosing to have one child.

For a variety of reasons, the single-child home is a family structure we will likely continue to see more of. Yet, many parents raising a singleton have faced pressure, judgment, and outright ostracization from family, peers, and unfortunately, yes, even strangers.

Why must we pass judgment?

I never thought the decisions my partner and I made regarding the size of our family would be such a divisive issue. That anyone feels comfortable passing judgment or commenting on other people’s family choices still floors me, though I know it really shouldn’t.

I remember the first time someone commented on our “one and done” status. I was laying on a massage table, enjoying a moment to myself and some much needed rest and relaxation. The massage therapist began asking me when we were going to start trying for number two. In my massage-induced state of half-sleep I mumbled some response about how we were most likely one-and-done.

“What? Why on earth would you do that? You can’t do that to your child. That poor thing. She’s going to be lonely. And spoiled rotten. You don’t want to raise your kid that way do you?”

Excuse me while I muffle my scream of incredulity into this massage table. As more families opt to be one-and-done, it becomes increasingly important that we stop asking others “when are you having the next one” and refrain from passing judgment. We never know the reasoning or what a family has been through on their road to becoming parents.

I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with Jess Myhre on the Mama Needs a Moment podcast. Jess is co-host of the wildly popular Only You: A One and Done Podcast. In this interview, she points out that many of her listeners are one-and-done because of struggles with infertility, which can be incredibly painful and expensive. “Anytime you're calling an only child parent selfish, it’s kind of a slap in the face to people who have lost their children, or to people who have tried and failed to have a baby, or to someone who worked so hard and spent so much money to have this one kid.”

Jess also points out that America isn't set up in a way that maximizes support to families. Between finances, the housing crisis, the lack of support for parents who work, and having no maternity leave resources, a lot of people simply can't comfortably afford more than one.

For many, the decision to be one-and-done is not an easy one. It is a long and hard deliberation filled with doubts and fears. For others it was never a choice they made for themselves, but rather the result of life situations well beyond their control. For still others, it was an easy decision and they knew from the beginning that a singleton was all they ever wanted.

Regardless of how a family has arrived at their one-and-done status, there are both joys and struggles that come with the territory.

The joys and struggles

My partner and I are one-and-done and I couldn’t love our little triangle family more. Growing up, I myself was an only child raised by a single mom. Both of these have clearly demonstrated to me the joys and struggles of being a one-and-done family.

I remember as a child how much I loved to visit my cousin’s house. It was always loud with a horde of rambunctious kids everywhere. I enjoyed my time sitting around a large and rowdy dinner table, but I loved coming home to our quiet little house even more. The peace and solitude was a welcome respite that I relished after every family gathering.

I see that in my daughter already. She loves playing with her friends, but she is also solidly comfortable on her own. Her independence is beautiful to witness and her imagination knows no bounds.

As a child I loved getting lost in books, could hold an adult conversation with my mom's friends from an early age, and began “planning a business” at the age of 9. Happy side note - I do actually own my own business now as an adult. The self-starter in me never went away, and I already see the blossoming of this quality in my soon-to-be five-year-old. She is compassionate, self-reliant, thoughtful, and filled with joy.

As a parent I appreciate that we can travel and enjoy a level of financial freedom we would likely not have with multiple kids. I love that we are able to give all our attention to our one and only. My spouse and I also acknowledge how helpful having a singleton has been for our marriage. Our home feels like a happier place when my partner and I are able to take time for our relationship. I have also been able to pursue my personal passions and career goals, something that is very important to who I am as an individual.

Are all of these things selfish? I don’t think so.

My child is much happier when I am happy, well-rested and in a good state of mind.

That is of course, not to say that it’s all sunshine and rainbows being or raising an only.

As a mom of an only child, the judgment and uncertainty was the hardest part. Was this the right decision? Were we making a mistake? Were we doing a disservice to our daughter?

This was a struggle for me as I let the words and fears of others weigh me down. However, once we finally made our decision and began to own it I was better able to let the criticisms from others roll off my shoulders.

I will admit that my daughter does ask me to play with her - a lot. I play with her as often as I can, but of course there are times I simply can’t. The guilt has a way of setting in during those moments of “boredom,” but over time I’ve realized what an incredible skill she is developing as she learns to play independently.

I must also acknowledge that sometimes I feel left out of conversations with other moms. There is a certain air of “Oh, you ‘just’ have one kid. What do you know?” While I will happily agree that parts of my life are undoubtedly easier because of our decision to stop after having one child, I am also still a mother contending with tantrums, picky eating and sleepless nights.

Myths about only children abound and have seemingly followed me my whole life.

The Myths

I cannot tell you the number of times people have said “Oh, you’re an only” with a knowing look in their eye, insinuating they knew things about me before even taking the time to get to know me.

Typically only children are perceived as selfish, narcissistic, socially inept and lonely. In fact, Granville Stanley Hall, an influential psychologist and the first president of the American Psychological Association, has been quoted as saying “being an only child is a disease in itself.”

Yet, these stereotypes have been repeatedly debunked over the years. According to research shared in Scientific American:

Toni Falbo, a psychologist at The University of Texas at Austin, and an only child, opposes the idea you need brothers and sisters to grow into a decent person. In her 1986 survey, for which she examined more than 200 studies on the subject, she concluded the characteristics of children with and without siblings do not differ. The only difference, she found, was that only children seemed to have stronger bonds with their parents compared with children who had siblings.

And according to research published in The Journal of Marriage and Family as found in The Conversation:

If we look at personality, no differences are found between people with and without siblings in traits such as extroversion, maturity, cooperativeness, autonomy, personal control and leadership. In fact, only children tend to have higher achievement motivation (a measure of aspiration, effort and persistence) and personal adjustment (ability to “acclimatise” to new conditions) than people with siblings.

In my conversation with Jess, she points out that the number one stigma she sees parents worrying about with their onlies is that they will be lonely.

If you dig a little bit deeper into those only children who really resented their childhoods, it's not so much about the lack of siblings, it's about the parenting. A sibling shouldn't exist to be a caregiver to a child… It's a really easy scapegoat to say, I was an only child and that's why I was miserable, when a lot of things can go wrong in your childhood. You can have five brothers and sisters and still be lonely. You weren't lonely because you're an only child, you're lonely because a parent or caregiver wasn't emotionally available to you. A sibling may have helped, but it would have been a placeholder for the parent that should have been there.

Research findings continue to show that only children have the same number and quality of friendships as those with a sibling. In all cases, it really comes down to how well the parent is setting their child or children up for success.

Being an only child has pros and cons, just like being the eldest, middle or youngest child in a large family. Raising an only child is filled with love and laughter as well as tears, frustration, and overwhelm, just like parenting multiple children.

The truth is, we are all doing the best we can. It is never our job to judge or comment on another person’s journey. And for the record, I do not “just” have one child. I have one beautiful, amazing blessing and she is the light of my life.

Crissy Fishbane is the co-founder of HER Health Collective, a supportive community and resource hub for moms. She is a certified therapeutic exercise specialist, personal trainer, wellness coach, and former high-school psychology teacher. Crissy believes in a holistic approach to women’s health and is a strong advocate of improved screening and treatment of perinatal mood disorders. She is passionate about building a supportive community for moms where they can make genuine connections and build authentic relationships. Crissy is a regular Go Ask Mom contributor.