'The first year is the hardest:' Advice from a co-parenting expert and divorce attorney
Parenting is hard enough, but what happens when you throw a divorce into the mix? Local mom, divorce attorney and co-parenting expert Shaunis Mercer shares some helpful advice for parents who want to (or need to) work together to navigate a new type of parenthood.
Go Ask Mom: What is co-parenting?
Shaunis Mercer: Co-parenting is when parents work together towards the common goal of serving the best interest of their children. While it’s a technique often adopted during or after a divorce, co-parenting is a good idea for all parental relationships. Effectively co-parenting requires that both parents put the needs of the children above their own egos and wants. Co-parenting does not necessarily mean "equal time parenting" nor does it have to mean "equal decision making," though in many families it does. While finding the right balance is difficult for all parents trying to work together, there are special challenges that arise from parenting in two households.
GAM Explain your role and how you work with families as a divorce attorney.
SM: As a family law attorney, my goal is to help clients come up with a parenting plan that will help minimize conflict in the future. We try to address big questions like, "What will be the overnight custodial schedule for the children?" and narrower questions like, "When may a parent introduce a new partner to the children?" Thinking through these questions early on can help eliminate unnecessary fighting in the future.
However, knowing that children and their needs are constantly changing, we also lay the groundwork for how the parents will address the need for adapting their current agreement in the future. For most families, this means agreeing to go to a mediation or arbitration if they cannot agree on how to address one of these changes. While going to court is sometimes the right option, it is rarely necessary if both parents are committed to staying focused on what is in the best interest of their children.
My other role is as a Parenting Coordinator (PC). As a PC, I help parents in high-conflict custody cases solve parenting issues. This provides the parents with a way to deal with immediate day-to-day parenting issues without having to go back to court all of the time. The issues that I have the authority to decide in these cases depends on what power the judge has given to me. Some examples of decisions that I help with are, "Who will be the child's therapist?" or "Should the child attend tutoring after school?" or "Where and when should the parents meet to exchange the child when school is canceled?" While the court grants me the ability to make decisions for the parties, it is also important that I help the parties communicate with one another and learn how to make the decisions on their own whenever possible.
GAM: How did you find your way into becoming a divorce attorney?
SM: I started my career in a general practice working with family law, criminal law, municipal law, and juvenile law. I spent some time as the Statewide Assistant Juvenile Defender, where I got to work on policy issues like raising the age of jurisdiction of Juvenile Court and teaching attorneys how to effectively communicate with juvenile clients. Helping families has always been a part of my career, but after having my first child (Jude, age 6), I had the opportunity to focus exclusively on family law when I was recruited by an amazing law firm, Rosen Law Firm, where I’ve been for the past five years.
GAM: What do you enjoy most about helping clients with co-parenting?
SM: It is amazing knowing that I am helping parents develop a framework to raise healthy and well-adjusted humans. In the business of divorce, I try to remember that my clients are parents just like me. They are raising children who will go to school with my own children, who will one day be our doctors and our teachers. I want them to grow up in a positive environment! Families are all different, and I want to help my clients be their best through the transition of their changing families.
GAM: What are the benefits of a successful co-parenting relationship?
SM: Whether they are together or divorced, the way parents behave towards one another is the way their children will learn to behave in relationships. It’s ideal for a child to know that both parents are united in their goal of raising them to be well-adjusted and successful humans. The child knows healthy conflict resolution skills because they’ve witnessed them firsthand. They don’t worry that loving one parent will upset or disappoint the other parent. Children learn to be open with their parents, sharing life’s joys and struggles, regardless of which house he/she is in when the situations arise. Both parents can be present to cheer during a soccer tournament, and if the child needs Mom's help on a math problem while at Dad's house, there is no hesitation to reach out.
For everyone, a successful co-parenting relationship means peace. It means avoiding the disruption that court has on a family's life and finances. It means not making friends and family choose a side. It means that a son can have his divorced parents sit next to each other at his college graduation or his wedding.
GAM: What type of issues are the most challenging to address or resolve for parents?
SM: One of the most challenging issues is deciding the role of a new romantic partner in the parenting relationship. When should this person be introduced, and what is their role with the children? If the groundwork has been laid, and both parents are committed to putting the children's interest first, most families can work through this emotional territory either on their own or with the help of a mediator.
Another common challenge is with how much freedom to give a child. I think that whether together or not, all parents struggle with this. However, when the parents are not under the same roof, it can create a much larger problem of a child preferring the home with more freedom. For younger kids, this may mean different bedtimes or how late they can play outside in the neighborhood. For older kids, this means car, dates and curfews. As with all co-parenting issues, it is important for kids to see healthy conflict resolution. From my experience, the best result is normally consensus and uniformity on larger issues and room for each household to make their own rules as it relates to the smaller details.
GAM: How long does it typically take for parents to get into a groove as divorced or separated co-parents rather than traditional parents?
SM: Every family is different. The first year is definitely the hardest. Just like you had to adjust to changes of being a new parent, now you must adjust to the changes of parenting under two separate roofs.
Go Ask Mom: Tell us about your family and how your work helps you manage your personal life.
SM: My husband and I have been married for 7.5 years and we have two young children, Jude, 6, and Ben, 3. My husband is a prosecutor in a neighboring county. We definitely follow a co-parenting model, from sharing the mental load to alternating pick up schedules based on trial and mediation schedules. We like going on nature walks as a family. We have two dogs and a cat, all named after various European monarchs. My husband and I try to take a few hours each week without the kids to hang out together, whether this means utilizing drop-in daycare or blowing off the evening chores and having a beer together after the kids go to bed.
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