Renee Chou: Life lessons on the tennis court

Elsa has started taking tennis lessons! Tennis is a sport my husband and I love to play, and we've always wanted our daughter to learn. She was reluctant to try it at first, but after repeated pleas, lectures on the benefits of the sport, and bribes of ice cream, we were able to persuade her to get out on the court.

Her first group tennis lesson was great. The coach was motivating and enthusiastic. Elsa hit some volleys and collected the most balls on her racket when it was time to pick them up. It was an encouraging start, and she said she couldn't wait to play again.

She seemed a little "off" in her second lesson. With the coach tossing the ball to her, she may have only hit two shots total, completely missing the others. Both my husband and I watched every move from the sidelines.

As we drove home, my husband commented, "Elsa, it looked like you missed a lot of volleys. What happened?"

No response. Her mouth formed a pout.

"Elsa, is something wrong?" I asked.

Her face crinkled in displeasure, "I don't want to hear you say that."

"Say that you missed volleys? Daddy was only pointing out what he saw. Why is that making you upset?"

"I don't like it!" She stared out the window.

I tried to explain. "Elsa, we were only talking about what we saw at your lesson. You weren't doing anything wrong at all. Other kids missed their shots too. This is only your second tennis lesson!"

"Well, I don't like you saying that I missed the ball."

And then it dawned on me. She didn't like hearing what she perceived as criticism. And really, who does?

Many of us get defensive, make excuses, feel angry, or just shut down (as my five-year-old was doing)  when we feel we're being criticized.

Her father and I did not see this seemingly innocuous observation as criticism. To us, it was simply a fact. Elsa likely felt we were pointing out her inability to connect with the ball and was embarrassed by it.

I suppose parenting experts would have suggested that we start with something positive from the tennis lesson to open up the conversation. But our comment was made and my concern now was teaching her how to react to it. Because as she grows up, she's going to hear a lot of things she won't like. She is not going to do things well every single time. And she needs to learn to be open to any feedback to help her grow... whether that's reading aloud, figuring out math, cleaning her room or hitting a volley.

We all know people who are very sensitive to criticism, no matter how constructive it may be. I want Elsa to be able to handle all kinds of feedback with composure, resilience and gracefulness... knowing that you may not always like what people have to say, but perhaps realizing what they say can help you become a better person or better at what you do.

I made a conscious decision in my conversation with Elsa to NOT apologize for what her father said and what I said. I didn't think it was wrong. I also did not want to start heaping praise for the sake of scoring some easy points and soothing her ego. I have faith that my child is strong enough to handle whatever I have to say. Encouragement and empathy do not have to come in the form of constant compliments. As Elsa continued to stare out the window on our drive home, we did talk to her about how tennis is hard; that it will take a lot of practice; and that we see she is trying her best on the court.

In tennis, love means nothing. In parenting, love is the root of everything. We express that in many ways but also at times through some tough conversations. I want to be able to teach her, guide her, correct her, and redirect her without worrying about hurting her feelings. I know I won't get it right all the time. But I'm going to try. I believe praise should be earned. Only then is it meaningful.

At her next tennis lesson, Elsa successfully hit most of her volleys. When we got in the car, she immediately asked us, " Did you see how many balls I hit?"

With genuine pride, her father and I said, "We sure did! You did great! And it looked like you were having fun." Of course, we meant every word. It may not always sound like it to her, but in tennis and in life, we will ALWAYS be her biggest fans.

Renee Chou, WRAL-TV morning anchor, is the mother of one. You can find her monthly on Go Ask Mom and all of the time on her Facebook page.