My (not always successful) attempts at gentle parenting

Like most moms I know, I’ve done my fair share of researching on just about every parenting topic under the sun. From taming temper tantrums to mastering feeding approaches, I’ve done my homework. While I think I “understand the assignment,” I’ll be the first to admit that I definitely don’t always get it right.

Gentle parenting (similar to peaceful parenting, mindful parenting, conscious parenting, etc.) inherently appeals to me. I actively attempt to use the gentle parenting philosophy in my home and am always blown away by how well this approach works, the feelings of closeness it engenders between me and my daughter, and how such simple strategies can seemingly stop tantrums in their tracks.

I quickly learned that my daughter is not trying to manipulate me and doesn’t have a secret agenda. She simply craves closeness and connection like the rest of us. When she is engaging in what I see as misbehavior, it is because she has an unmet need and does not yet have the skills to meet those needs on her own.

What exactly is gentle parenting?

According to Dr. Hilary Mandzik, a licensed psychologist in the Triangle, “gentle parenting is making the parent-child relationship the priority, rather than focusing on controlling our child’s behavior through punishments and rewards.”

According to Dr. Mandzik:

Through a respectful parenting lens, children are inherently good. Similarly, behavior isn't good or bad -- it just IS; it communicates something about what's going on for your child at that moment. It's assumed that a child who's struggling is doing the best they can with the resources & skills they have at that moment.

Through this lens, parents understand that children are still learning to regulate emotions and that they cannot regulate emotions alone, so parents allow children to share and express all feelings in the parent's safe, calm presence. It's important to note that "allowing all feelings" never means "allowing all behaviors"; parents have to keep children safe by stopping unsafe or destructive behaviors like hitting.

Here’s an example: Let's say your child hits a sibling because they're mad. From a traditional parenting approach we might say “we don’t hit in this house” and perhaps send the child to timeout.

Through a respectful parenting lens, we wouldn't see the child as being bad or needing to be punished. Instead, we view the hitting as a way of letting us know that the child doesn't yet have the skills to handle their mad feelings in a more appropriate way.

So we would help them. We step in and set a boundary while still letting them know it’s okay to have that feeling. “I won't let you hit, but it's okay to be mad.”

Dr. Mandzik says “this approach helps kids learn emotion regulation. Parents are providing co-regulation, which is helping the child regulate their emotions when they aren’t able to do it for themselves.”

Building awareness and being proactive

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Iris Chen, author of Untigering, on the Mama Needs a Moment podcast. Iris shared that two of the key aspects of making gentle parenting work are building awareness of what triggers you and then learning to be proactive about handling those situations.

She stresses that peaceful parenting is not about catering to our child’s every whim and need at our own expense. Instead, Iris suggests we “bring more awareness to what our wounds are, so that we can begin healing those and begin communicating our needs and boundaries in healthier ways.”

This resonated with me and I’m happy to report that over the past four-and-a-half years I’ve built a lot of awareness and am striving for that proactive approach as often as I can. In the moment, it can be really (really, really) hard to pause, take a deep breath, and answer my child in a calm and measured way. Yet, I know this is the response that will ultimately work best for myself and my highly sensitive child.

All that being said, there are still many times when I have a knee jerk reaction and respond to something my daughter said or did with a heavy sigh or by raising my voice.

Drawbacks of gentle parenting

When I asked Dr. Mandzik if gentle parenting had any drawbacks, she acknowledged that respectful parenting does take a lot of work.

It often doesn't come naturally -- especially at first -- because it's not what most of us grew up with, and it can be really challenging to give our kids what we weren't given.

Most of us parenting young children today were raised to avoid our feelings and "get back to happy" as quickly as possible; we were told things like: "you're fine"; "toughen up"; "it's no big deal"; and "don't cry!" Our parents thought keeping us happy was the goal. But in reality, no one is happy all the time; it's normal and healthy to feel a wide range of emotions. It's important that we allow our children to feel comfortable and safe experiencing this wide range of healthy emotions.

Why gentle parenting is worth it

While gentle parenting does take some work, it's worth the effort. There are so many things about respectful parenting that can actually be freeing as a parent.

According to Dr. Mandzik:

It's freeing to know that it's not your job to fix your children's feelings or to keep them happy; knowing that you can (and should) set boundaries for your child; you get to draw the line in the sand wherever you need it to be (e.g., not letting your child come into the bathroom with you if you don't want that or turning down an invite to play with your child when you have other things you have to get done) -- and then your child is allowed to not like your boundary ... and to share those feelings with you. But it's freeing to know that you can set whatever limits you need to, and your child having a reaction to those limits is normal and healthy.

It’s important to remember there is no such thing as a perfect parent. There will undoubtedly be moments when you raise your voice or have a knee-jerk reaction to something your child has done. The good news is, you don’t have to parent perfectly. You just have to keep showing up for your child, especially when you do slip up. You can repair those mistakes, which in the long run actually strengthens your bond with your child.

Crissy Fishbane is the co-founder of HER Health Collective, a supportive community and resource hub for moms. She is a certified therapeutic exercise specialist, personal trainer, wellness coach, and former high-school psychology teacher. Crissy believes in a holistic approach to women’s health and is a strong advocate of improved screening and treatment of perinatal mood disorders. She is passionate about building a supportive community for moms where they can make genuine connections and build authentic relationships. Crissy is a regular Go Ask Mom contributor.