Life Changing: Winning is a learned behavior

As my family and I watch the excitement of March Madness unfold, I’ve noticed that there are deeper lessons embedded within the games, especially in the journey of the N.C. State basketball teams.

A N.C. State alumna myself, I’m grateful to cheer “Go Pack!” as the men’s and women’s basketball make history in an astonishing anomaly. The thrill and agony of the ups and downs of each game are not merely fleeting emotions, they carry profound insights into the nature of success and resilience.

This is best embodied in the question posed by player DJ Horne: Why not us?

His question echoes a fundamental belief system. It shows an unwavering belief in one's ability to conquer challenges and achieve goals. It's a mindset that propels individuals forward despite daunting odds.

As parents, nurturing this belief in our teens can be transformative. It impacts everything from one’s psychological state to behavior to motivation.

It shows that winning isn’t natural, it can be learned.

Greatness isn’t natural

“Winning is a learned behavior,” college football coach Jimbo Fisher once said.

This behavior requires perseverance, resilience, and a willingness to embrace challenges. N.C. State’s teams exemplify this in their willingness to keep showing up and take on each game.

Fisher believes that success and greatness aren’t natural for people. They aren’t inherent behaviors. Instead, human nature leans toward taking the easy way out.

Individuals need to go against what feels natural and learn how to take steps forward towards success.

Don’t focus on just the outcome, focus on the steps you need to take to get there. Embrace the learning process and see it as a chance to grow and develop. Embrace failure as a learning opportunity.

Psychologist Carol Dweck echoes this mentality toward failure in her research on human motivation. She explains that a growth mindset helps shift the way we view failures. A growth mindset is the idea that there's no such thing as losing, there’s just experiences to learn and grow from.

Dweck argues that this mentality is needed for someone to learn to thrive.

“In the growth mindset, failure can be a painful experience. But it doesn’t define you. It’s a problem to be faced, dealt with, and learned from,” Dweck said. By instilling a growth mindset in our teens, we teach them to view failure not as a setback but as an opportunity for growth.

And then when we win, our confidence can soar, especially when winning represents a true accomplishment, like achieving a goal or finding contentment.

Winning isn't just about securing a victory; it's about changing your mindset so you can build self-assurance.

Growth through goals

Another way to help cultivate a growth mindset is by setting specific goals.

Goals are part of every aspect of life and provide a sense of direction, motivation, a clear focus, and clarity of importance, Dweck said. By setting goals, you are providing yourself with a target to aim for.

Here’s how to use goals to help you shift your mindset:

• Set Your Target: Set clear and empowering goals. Make sure hitting this target will feel like an achievement.
• Focus on the process: Instead of just trying to win, focus on the steps you need to take to get there.
• Embrace failure: See failure as an opportunity to learn and improve, and not as a setback or a reason to give up.
• Learn from your successes: Know how to repeat and improve what you've done.
• Give credit where it's due: When you lose, don't pin it on one person or blame your team.
• Learn to lose with grace: A winner's confidence is not contingent upon victory but on how you handle yourself before, during, and after the competition.

As parents, our role extends beyond mere spectators in the game of winning. We are mentors, guides, and supporters on our teen's journey to success.

Engage in open conversations about goal setting with your teens. You can share your own experiences and practices about winning and losing.

Parents can also make informed decisions based on their child's reactions and mood swings on how to help them grow. Parents know best how to steer and advise their teens.

So, stand with your teen and help them reach their potential and goals. Help them learn the mindsets needed to win.

The role of coaching in success

As you help your teens take steps toward winning, consider seeking coaching opportunities for them. Coaching provides teens with structured support and guidance toward reaching their aspirations.

Coaching can be a valuable resource for teens navigating challenges and pursuing their goals. Unlike therapy, which often focuses on past experiences, coaching is forward-focused, aiming to support personal growth and development in the present and future.

Effective coaching will help your teen begin to develop some personal skills of overcoming failure, being inquisitive about new challenges and ideas, and collaborating with their peers.

By investing in coaching for your teens, you empower them to overcome obstacles, explore new opportunities, and cultivate essential life skills.

Remember, though, at the end of the day the best person to help your teens is you, the parents.

In the game of life, winning is a learned behavior. Parents play a pivotal role in nurturing this behavior in our teens and guiding them toward success on and off the court. Parents can teach teens how winning requires great resilience, determination, and a growth mindset.

Let's empower our teens to embrace challenges, learn from setbacks, and ultimately, triumph in the game of life.

Gale McKoy Wilkins is a wife, mom, grandparent and family life coach. She is the founder of Project Arrow, an evidence-based peer-to-peer and leadership program teaching middle, high school and first-year college students how to deal with trauma and crisis using life coaching. It's the first life coaching organization in the state to receive funding from the Department of Public Instruction and the first to implement life coaching in a school setting.