Go Ask Dad: Setting boundaries and turning to wonder

“Dad, all you ever say is ‘no’!”

Obviously, that is an exaggeration. I use other words. For example, when my 6-year-old begged for his own cell phone, I replied, “Absolutely not!”

It’s true that my wife and I forbid certain things for our three children as well as limit others like desserts and video games. Our children are not cows given free-range (neither are they grass-fed). Most parenting experts, as well as parents themselves, would agree that it is the caregiver’s job to set boundaries for the child’s safety and wellbeing. Your kid might protest, maybe scream and slam doors, even threaten to throw your own cell phone into the toilet. But you stand firm.

The other day, our oldest asked if he could camp in the backyard with his siblings. My wife and I looked at each other, wordlessly considering the costs — minimum safety risk, but likely a late bedtime, leading to grumpy kids that next day. She grinned and I knew the answer:

“Yes, you can.”

And also, we said yes to pizza for supper. Yes, your friend down the street can join us. Yes, we will build a fire. Yes, you can feed sticks into the flame. A big yes to s’mores. No, you cannot try to leap over the fire like in a video game. Yes, more marshmallows!

As predicted, the moon was high and bright before the neighborhood friend had gone home. The fire finally settled down, but my kids were wiggling in their sleeping bags, still amped on sugar and excitement.

On her podcast, “Good Inside,” Dr. Becky, my favorite parenting expert, said that “two things are true” — a parent can set the boundary (it is bedtime) and also be empathic, thereby validating the feelings of the child (you are excited and want to stay awake). Certain things are nonnegotiable and I also try to remain open to my children’s perspective. They often turn to wonder and teach me.

Back to the tent in the backyard: No, you may not go wake up the dog. No, you may not go look for owls. No, you may not get out of the tent at all! What is something that we can do together? Yes, we can look at the constellations.

As we stared at the night sky through the mosquito netting, the 4-year-old began to count the twinkling stars. She got up to 20 then announced the grand total as “Fifty-seventy!” Yes, we all laughed.

It is a caregiver’s job to set boundaries and also to give thanks for abundance, for “most this amazing day” as E.E. Cummings put it, and “everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.”

Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of Gently Between the Words: Essays and Poems. He is the pastor of Chapel in the Pines Presbyterian Church. He and his wife, also an ordained minister, parent three children and a dog named Ramona.