Go Ask Dad retires from the swing set

Thank you for coming today to my press conference announcing my official retirement from the swing set.

Of course, I haven’t swung in years. It makes me lightheaded and slightly nauseous.

But now that my youngest child is in kindergarten and all three children know how to pump, the time has come for me to hang it up. Or, let the swings hang.

I’ll take questions.

Reporter #1: What do you remember from your early days as a pusher?

Um, not sure I like that term “pusher.” But I began back in 2013 when my firstborn could barely hold his head up by himself. There was one of those bucket swings at the park. I remember fitting his squishy legs between the holes, then buckling the baby in and pushing ever-so-gently.

Reporter #2: What has been your favorite playground over the years?

I love the swing set in our current neighborhood. My kids have always felt at home there. Once, my then 2-year-old daughter wandered out of our backyard and up there alone without any pants! She got a lady walking by to push her until I tracked her down! That story also illustrates the difference between your firstborn and third child!

Reporter #1: Any injuries?

That same daughter flipped off the swing once and landed face-first in the mulch. She was a bit shaken up, but after she spit out some loose bark, she got right back on. Pants down, she’s a real trooper.

Reporter #2: What have been the highlights of your career?

It’s ironic, but I have to say watching my kids learn how to pump so that they can swing by themselves. You help your kid into the swing and push them until they no longer need you. I feel like the role of parents is often to work ourselves out of a job.

Then you become a grandparent! That seems like an incredible job promotion, right?!

Reporter #3: What are you going to do with your all the extra free time?

Free time? You don’t have kids, huh? Instead of the park, I’m chauffeuring them to tae kwon do, soccer, cross country, Cub Scouts, sleepovers, basketball and basket-waving. The list never ends.

Reporter #1: What advice to you have for young dads just getting started?

Bend your knees, baby. Don’t want to throw out your back. And don’t use your phone with your free hand. Be in the moment. I’m here to tell you that time passes and, one day, you’ll have your own retirement press conference.

So, that’s all for me. Remember, kids, look both ways before you jump off the swing. And dads, do you remember being in the backyard when your father pushed you in a tire swing? Ah, those were Goodyears!

Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of Little Big Moments, a collection of mini-essays about parenting, and Tigers, Mice & Strawberries: Poems. Both titles are available most anywhere books are sold online. Taylor-Troutman lives in Chapel Hill where he serves as pastor of Chapel in the Pines Presbyterian Church and occasionally stumbles upon the wondrous while in search of his next cup of coffee.