Go Ask Dad: Find that 'shaft of light' when your child lies

My wife traveled to the mountains for a week with friends – a much needed break for her and an opportunity for me to spend more time with our three kids.

Monday passed uneventfully. On Tuesday at noon, I picked up our youngest from preschool. After lunch, our puppy whined at the back door. My daughter said she’d wait in the kitchen while I took the dog outside. I trusted that would be fine.

Stepping back into the house a few minutes later, I saw a stool pushed over to the pantry. We keep the cookies on the top shelf.

I commented on the stool’s location. My daughter stared at me. I asked if she had been eating cookies. She vehemently denied this. When I asked again about the stool, she claimed that our neighbor had moved it, then run out the front door!

Then, I heard the dog munching and found the bowl of half-eaten cookies.

After dropping her off at preschool the next morning, I shared this story with two fellow parents over breakfast. They were sympathetic and wondered if my daughter was pushing the boundaries with her mom out of town.

But the truth is that she has been lying more and more often. There have been little lies like not washing her hands or brushing her teeth. But she also stole a classmate’s stuffed animal and fabricated this elaborate tale about how her teacher had made it for her.

The toy had a “Made in China” tag.

My friends are also pastors, so we fell into a conversation about sin. Occupational hazard. We were ordained in different denominations, but there’s a standard belief among Protestants that “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Even little kids. The doctrine of original sin maintains that we are born that way.

But other Christian thinkers have believed that, instead of original sin, there is original blessing – we are all created good. There’s biblical warrant for this idea too: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). Pelagius, a fourth-century monk, claimed that a “shaft of divine light exists at the heart of every person.” It's something for preachers and parents to consider.

Turning to modern sources, Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist, insists, “Children aren’t trying to manipulate their parents to avoid getting in trouble.” Instead of punishing the child, she recommends “getting curious about the reasons behind the lie.” What is the child’s motivation? What’s going on that might cause them to do something they know is wrong?

“As the adult, you aren’t to blame for your child lying,” Kennedy assures listeners of her podcast. Yet, she also challenges, “You are responsible for thinking about what is going on, and you are responsible for taking the lead to create an environment where there can be more trust, so your child feels safe to share the truth.”

The following afternoon, my daughter and I were drawing pictures at the kitchen table. I had to take a phone call. I could hear her move upstairs to her room. She slammed her door. I finished the call and went to investigate. I knocked first. There was frantic rustling, then the door opened.

After a sweeping glance into the room, I reminded my daughter that paints are not allowed upstairs because accidents happen on the carpet.

“My brothers did it!”

I asked about the fresh paint streaked on both of her arms. Her lower lip began to tremble.

I took a deep breath and invited her to sit in my lap. We sat in silence for a few moments as the light streamed through her bedroom window. I told her that I would always love her. There was nothing she could do that would make me love her any less.

“Not even if I draw my picture on my brothers’ wall?”

I sighed, “Not even that.”

Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of Gently Between the Words: Essays and Poems. He is the pastor of Chapel in the Pines Presbyterian Church. He and his wife, also an ordained minister, parent three children and a dog named Ramona.