Endgame: What definitely won't happen but totally should
The final entry into the Avengers saga hits theaters next week. Usually I would have a review for you, but Disney has decided that neither Raleigh nor Charlotte are big enough to warrant press screenings. It is a little bit of disrespect made worse by the fact that the studio didn’t confirm we weren’t getting a screening until earlier this week. That’s far too late to get tickets for opening weekend.
So, with that in mind, I figured I would give you some Avengers content a week early. Here are five things I want to see happen in Avengers: Endgame that probably won’t.
1. At least one avenger admits that maybe Thanos’ plan wasn’t so bad
Look, there are undeniably too many people on Earth. That is just science. Is Thanos an environmentalist? Maybe, but not in the way that he lets on.
Thanos talked a big game about saving the universe, but when he did the snap and all those people disappeared, what was the first thing he did? He went into vacation dad mode and went to a cabin where no one could bother him and he could do some fishing. Thanos isn’t an environmentalist. He just wants some peace and quiet!
So here’s what I want to see: we cut to the interior of a black SUV where Captain America and Black Widow are sitting. They pull into the drive-thru line at Chik-Fil-A to pick up lunch for all of the (remaining) Avengers. The problem is that it is 12:30.
“This is going to take forever,” says Cap. They get to the speaker box, order a bunch of spicy chicken sandwiches (these are Earth’s mightiest heroes after all), Cap says “thank you,” and the manager in training says “my pleasure.”
By the time Cap and Black Widow pull up to the window, their food is ready, because no one is holding up the line. “Do I want them to come back? Of course,” says Black Widow. “But you gotta admit this is kinda nice.”
2. The women of Black Panther deliver some A+ sass about white people ending the world
Wakanda is the only interesting world in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I want to live there and get verbally dunked on everyday by Shuri and Okoye. Also, I would like to ride an armored rhinoceros.
When everyone comes back (Because who are we kidding? There were no consequences to Infinity War. Everyone is coming back.) I want the women of Wakanda to be the only ones that remember what happened and I want them to spend the entire rest of the film reminding Black Panther that everything was fine until he decided to start working with the Avengers.
You know what? This one could actually happen.
3. The end credits roll over a rap song that recaps everything we just saw in the movie
These were staples of movie soundtracks in the 90s. Think about Method Man’s song “The Riddler” from the Batman Forever soundtrack or Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap” from the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. MC Hammer had one on the Adams Family soundtrack, which I think was just called “The Adams Family.”
So here is my idea: we hire someone with street cred, but just enough crossover appeal to convince non-hip hop fans to download the track from iTunes. I am thinking a collaboration between Cardi B and 2 Chainz. It’s called “We’re Back” and it is just a four minute recap of how the Avengers that didn’t get snapped away ended up saving the day.
In my mind, the soundtrack also features a track by Run the Jewels called “Big Purple” which recaps the entire movie from Thanos’s point of view.
4. Cap finally proposes to Bucky…or at the very least they kiss
“But Demetri,” you protest “Cap is in love with Agent Carter’s niece. If he’s going to propose to anyone it’s going to be her.”
Uh…nah dawg. Marvel has been planting the seeds for a Bucky/Cap smash fest ever since Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Remember, there is a scene in Captain America: Civil War where Iron Man finds out Bucky killed his parents and then Cap beats Iron Man up because he won’t just be cool about it.
Those aren’t the kind of fights that happen just because someone is your friend. Cap’s got the kind of feelings for Bucky that Nicholas Sparks writes novels about.
Also, if Agent Carter’s niece really is the love of Cap’s life, don’t you think Marvel would have done a better job of making sure I remember her name?
5. Someone other than Thanos dies
It would be great if this movie has legitimate consequences that alter the course of the MCU going forward, but let’s get real. There are sequels to be released and money to be made. No one is going to die.
