Best books for those caring for their parents

When I first became pregnant, I remember rushing to the bookstore. This was new territory. I am someone who likes to feel prepared. Where should I turn? My default has always been books. But there were hundreds to choose from. The one that consistently got the highest marks was “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” My copy was well-thumbed by the time I delivered my first child in 2000, my second in 2002 and my third in 2004. I remember reading and rereading the chapter on signs of labor. Why did I think I wouldn’t recognize the signs?

One of the reasons is that, like never before, few of us live in proximity to multigenerational family. Instead of turning to each other, as we have for eons, we turn to books both at the beginning of life and the end. There are 14,500 books on Amazon on what to expect when you’re expecting and over 7,000 on caring for one’s aging parents until their demise. What are the best ones?

When I first started working in this field, I turned to Martha Grove Hipskind. Hipskind, who has worked as an elder consultant for over twenty years and is a popular and wise speaker on aging, pointed me to these three.

How to Care for Aging Parents: A One-Stop Resource for All Your Medical, Financial, Housing, and Emotional Issues by Virginia Morris, now in its third printing, is called “the Bible of eldercare” by ABC and “indispensable” by AARP. It covers everything from what legal documents you need in place to caring for the caregiver, from hiring home help to senior housing options, from recognizing the signs of impending death to how to plan a funeral. Like “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it is a thorough overview, expanded and honed over multiple editions. It can also be overwhelming. Not all information, especially of this nature, can come from books. That said, this is a good one to start with.

The second, A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Parents and Ourselves by former New York Times columnist Jane Gross, is another classic. Gross, founder of the New Old Age blog in the New York Times, shares her “frustrating, heartbreaking, enlightening and ultimately redemptive journey” of caring for her 85-year-old mother during the last years of her life. Through the story, Gross provides valuable information she wishes she had known earlier, such as why a geriatrician is so important, how to move your parent to assisted living, how to deal with the unsustainable costs and more. I gave my 73-year-old mother my copy, which she notated. “There’s so much in here you just don’t know about,” she said. She bought a copy for her closest friends and for my brother. “You need to reread it,” she told me over Thanksgiving.

Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, is a field guide to the “rough terrain for a generation of baby boomers who are finding themselves unprepared to care for those who have always cared for them” by psychologist and best-selling author Mary Pipher. Pipher directly addresses the challenges of caretaking in a culture which worships youth and where families have become more dispersed, communities have broken down, older people are isolated and their adult children are struggling to divide their time among demanding jobs, and caretaking their children and parents. Among many topics, she discusses things like finding the right words to talk about loneliness, forgetfulness, or selling the house.

Finally, I would add to this list Atul Gawande’s book, Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End, which was designated a Best Book of the Year by The Washington Post, The New York Times Book Review, NPR, and Chicago Tribune. Gawande, a surgeon and best-selling author, juxtaposes how medicine has served us in recent times by transforming the dangers of childbirth, injury, and disease but, when applied to aging and death, it can also prolong suffering. Through research and stories, Gawande tackles the sensitive issues that invariably present themselves towards the end of life. Gawande advocates for “not just a good death but a good life--all the way to the very end.”