Be your messy, chaotic, authentic self

In the past few months, I’ve had a noticeable an uptick in friends and acquaintances reaching out to me with big problems. In some instances, friends actively reach out with the knowledge that I’ve walked in their struggling shoes. In a handful of instances, these conversations have come down to being in the right place at the right time, standing opposite a person who just needed to be heard. These conversations have ranged from parenting a neurodivergent child to marital struggles.

I mentioned it to my therapist, wondering aloud why I was being chosen for these very hard conversations. For anyone that has read my past articles, you know that I do not shy away from difficult conversations. She gave me a look, one that I’ve come to know well from her, that says: “Are you really asking this question?”

I was, in fact, really asking this question. When I struggle, my self-worth and self-confidence take a big hit. I’m in a better place these days, for now at least, and this was our (her) conclusion.

I don’t shy away from difficult conversations. I raise my hand when I need help and I let the world know about my struggles. Mental health is not something that is discussed enough. There is a very real stigma around struggles that people can’t see and so many struggle in silence. During my hardest days, I struggled in silence too - ignoring phone calls and text messages and shutting myself off from the world.

The fact is, my life is utter chaos. I have three small children, two of which fall under the neurodivergent umbrella. We are dealing with potty training, meltdowns, broken arms, chipped teeth, concussions, our house flooding…the list goes on. Life is hard and chaotic and it doesn’t seem to be getting easier anytime soon. When my therapist spelled it out, the reality was simple.

I don’t have time or energy to be anything other than my chaotic, messy, authentic self.

Why do people feel safe reaching out? Because there is no pretense, no BS. I aim for empathy and, if needed, problem solving. Everyone’s needs are different when they struggle. I felt completely and utterly alone for a long time, all too familiar with my feelings and struggles being gaslit rather than heard.

I know now what I really needed and the only way to have those needs met was to be open and honest with where I was at.

These conversations have been a stark reminder that everyone struggles. They may have nice cars, nice houses, go on nice vacations, and have children who seemingly listen and obey - but none of us are immune to life.

A friend sent a panicked message one day. Her daughter had been having tantrums at school (a private school) and the school was threatening to un-enroll her for Kindergarten in the fall. We talked for an hour about the tantrums, the school, different resources she could look into and the overwhelming nature of the situation. I have walked 100 miles in her shoes and will forever be grateful to the few that helped me through my hardest days.

My therapist asked how it felt to be on the other side of the conversation. Amazing. It felt good to know I got through it. It felt good to know I could support someone else in their struggles. It felt good to say, “you’re not alone.”

My 3 takeaways

1. Walk in vulnerability. The chaos sucks but you’re not alone and you will be far more likely to find support and feel safe with authentic humans. Don’t be afraid to share your struggles or ask for help.
2. Approach every living being, be it adult, child or furry friend, with empathy. Everyone is struggling and too many are putting on smiles in order to suffer in silence. Mental health needs to be at the forefront of our societal conversations.
3. Don’t waste time putting on an act. Be your messy, chaotic, authentic self. The world will thank you for it. At least that’s been my experience.