Ask an expert: Back-to-school tips for middle school and high school families

Child psychologist and former school psychologist Dr. Emily W. King has some advice for middle and high school students and their parents as the first day of school approaches.

King, a graduate of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, attended Broughton High School years ago. She now has two Wake County students of her own, in 4th and 10th grades. She also counseled school-age children before, during and after the COVID-19 pandemic.

Social and learning challenges for teens and tweens

It's normal for preteens and teenagers to be anxious about going back to school, especially after a global pandemic. But positive, in-person social interactions with friends, peers and teachers are what kids need more than ever. When school starts, don't forget to encourage extracurricular activities, time away from screens and fun with friends.

"We crave that," King said. "It's good for us, we need it to survive."

After years of virtual and remote learning during the pandemic, King said she sees many students struggling with self motivation and staying focused in classrooms.

"Kids seem to have jumped right back in to most social interactions," King said. "I see more lagging skills related to independent learning and executive functioning and being able to focus, because learning online is drastically different for our brains than learning in person."

That's why it's especially important in middle school and high school to instill self confidence in your tween or teen, encouraging independence and problem solving.

Tips for middle school families

Middle school is a time for kids to practice putting their communication and organizational skills to work.

"All the [skills] you've built over time ... communicating with your child's teacher or structuring homework ... your child is going to start doing on their own in middle school," King said. "You're starting to step back to let them take the lead on emailing the teacher for help if they need it or practicing forgetting something and having to deal with that through the school day."

In middle school, keep an eye out for subjects or areas where your child may be struggling. In a digital age where students work on Chromebooks at home and in classrooms, King said many kids find it difficult to balance working both online and on paper.

"I find that even though everyone has a Chromebook and they're doing so much work online, they really struggle to stay focused or to shift tasks or to remember to turn stuff in if it's not on paper," King said.

Talk with your child about what they need to learn -- there may be a certain class where paper works best, or they may need to ask a parent or teacher for help with a digital assignment.

Practicing emailing and messaging teachers and classmates and even texting their friends is important at this age, King said.

"We can follow up with them if we're checking these devices and coaching them on something they said that could have been said in a nicer way or if they said something to an entire group text that could have been said directly to a friend," King said.

Tips for high school families

"At the high school level, you're really stepping back," King said. "We're really talking about much more independence ... a parent [is like a] consultant at this age, where you're checking grades and other things but you're letting your child figure it out along the way and you're not stepping in as much as you would have in middle school."

Encourage high school students to make difficult decisions themselves and practice problem solving.

"You're letting them navigate a lot of those self-advocacy conversations," King said. "Do they feel like a class is too hard and they need to drop it? They need to talk to their teacher about that."

Career or college prep is important, but it isn't everything, King said. Mental health and wellness are so important in the teenage years, especially at a time when teens are bombarded with information.

Prioritize mental health

"We need to really get back to where we're feeling balanced with kids having fun, hanging out with their friends and also doing their homework," King said. "I think the pendulum has swung in one direction to really emphasize college admissions ... but there's a lot more flexibility happening, especially after the pandemic, where kids are on all kinds of different tracks."

College and universities won't be the answer for every high school graduate, and that's okay.

"We need to expand that conversation for kids to know that it's okay if you don't go to a four-year college right away. It's okay if you take this other path and you're really interested in getting training in this particular job," King said. "I encourage parents to open up those conversations with their kids because that also will lower stress and lower the pressure."

Internet and phone safety

Kids and tweens start taking their Chromebooks home in late elementary school and throughout middle school, and adult monitoring is necessary.

If you haven't already, King said middle school is the time to discuss internet safety with your tween. That includes their smart phone -- and installing safety apps to track your child's text conversations. This isn't an invasion of privacy at the middle school age but your responsibility as a parent to keep them safe, King said.

"This is our responsibility as parents to teach our children how to use phones," said King.

King also recommends kids wait until high school age before creating their first social media account.

"I always recommend waiting until high school if we can for social media, because kids need to learn how to interact in person ... commenting on things and having opinions ... before they take that digitally," King said.

Kids are already exposed to so much information. As the internet and technology evolve and become a bigger part of our lives, King said conversations with your children are crucial.

"So quickly, they can have everything at the touch of their fingers," King said. "So we've got to teach them how to filter that and how to have an opinion about that and how to have boundaries around all of that."

Red flags: How to tell when something is wrong

Many parents wish their tweens and teens talked more about their feelings. King encourages parents to pay attention to their child's mood instead of how much they are sharing.

"A teenager who's in their room a lot, talking to their friends, but is in a good mood and comes out for dinner with the family then goes back into their room to talk to their friends ... if they're in a happy mood and they're still engaging with the family several times during the day, I'm not worried about that child," King said. "But a child who is feeling down and negative and has any negative self-talk, that is a concern no matter how much they're talking or spending time with family."

Monitor your child's mood, including how much they are complaining, how negative they are or how irritable they are. Those may be signs of anxiety or depression.

Advice for parents

King encourages parents to be present in their child's lives -- let them know you are there for them.

"Keep showing up as the parent because they're never going to tell you that they want you to be there or that they want you to hang out with you," King said. "But trust me, they do, and they love that you're there. Being in the same room with your teen is spending time together, even if you're not doing something. It's just different than when kids are younger."