Amanda Lamb: How long is your tether?

Empty nesting may seem quiet at times, even a little too quiet, but thanks to modern technology, our grown children have the ability to be in constant contact with us. This can be good and bad.

I love it when I pick up the phone and one of my daughters is just calling to say “hello,” instead of calling with a problem.

“Hi Mom,” Chloe says.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just walking to class and had a moment to give you a call.”

This is the point where I exhale and recall the same milestone with my parents, when I stopped calling them with problems, and started calling them just to check in.

But don’t get me wrong – I still get those calls too. And the question is, when is it okay to continue doing things for your adult children, and when is it time to cut the cord?

For example – I still make airline reservations for my youngest daughter. This includes her seat assignment, luggage check, and the actual check-in process. I know eventually she will need to know how to do this herself, but I feel like I know how to shop for the best deals. Still, checking her in and screenshotting the boarding pass is probably over the top, or “extra” as my kids would say. I think I already know the answer to my question.

I still make them dental appointments and doctor’s appointments and fill out the accompanying paperwork. Thankfully, my older daughter has recently taken over this duty for herself. I fill, pick up, and mail prescriptions. I help navigate problems with computers and phones. I mail items to school that are left behind on trips home like glasses and contacts. And most importantly, I handle all emergencies, personal and otherwise. This sometimes involves a middle of the night call, or a series of frantic texts.

It's all good. I want to be there for my daughters, but I also want them to learn how to do things for themselves. I’m doing them a disservice if I don’t slowly uncoil the tether and allow this process to happen organically. When I think about it, I needed my mother well into adulthood. I need my mother now, and unfortunately, she’s been dead almost ten years. So, I vow to be there for my daughters whenever they need me, but I do look forward to the day when more of their calls are to chat and less involve problem-solving.

“Mom,” my younger daughter said the other day when she Facetimed me and her father. “I wanted to show you the snow!”

And she did, and it was beautiful, and so was she.

Amanda is a mom of two and an author of several books including some on motherhood. She is also a WRAL reporter and successful podcaster. She began writing Go Ask Mom columns in January 2010 and took a short break in late 2021. Now, you can find her posts monthly on Go Ask Mom.