7-point action plan for when your child is being bullied at school
Editor's note: The following article is included in the new best-selling book, Doing Right by Our Kids: Protecting Child Safety at All Levels.
As a nonprofit child safety organization, Kidpower hears countless stories from parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles who are upset because a child or teen in their life is being bullied, teased or harassed at school – and because the school seems unable to take action. As a parent or guardian, you have the right to expect schools to provide an environment that is emotionally and physically safe for your children. Feeling worried and enraged about any kind of threat to your child’s well-being is normal, especially in a place where they are required to be.
We need to remember that most schools are working valiantly to meet an overwhelming array of conflicting demands. At the same time, when your own child is being bullied, it is normal for protective parents to want to fix the problem immediately – and maybe to punish the people who caused or allowed your child to be hurt, embarrassed or scared.
When possible, try to find out about problems when they are still small. Tell children clearly, cheerfully, and often, “If someone is bothering you at school, if you see someone picking on another kid, or if you are having trouble acting safely yourself, your job is to tell me so that we can figure out what to do to make things better.”
Pay attention to changes in your child’s behavior. Help children to develop the habit of telling you about what happens at school each day by being interested, staying calm, and not lecturing. Ask specific questions in a cheerful way such as, “What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing?” Remember that, if adults act anxious, children are less likely to share upsetting information. Volunteer a couple of hours a week in the classroom or schoolyard both to help out and to stay aware of potential problems at school.
If your child has a bullying problem at school, here are seven practical Kidpower “People Safety” solutions that can help parents be effective in taking charge.
Stop Your Own Knee-Jerk Reactions
If your child tells you about being bullied at school, this is an important opportunity for you to model for your child how to be powerful and respectful in solving problems. As hard as it is likely to be, your first job is to stay calm. Take a big breath and say, in a quiet and matter-of fact voice, “I’m so glad you’re telling me this. I’m sorry this happened to you – please tell me more about exactly what happened so we can figure out what to do. You deserve to feel safe and respected at school.”
If your child didn’t tell you, and you found out some other way, say calmly, “I saw this happen/heard about this happening. It looked/sounded like it might be unpleasant for you. Can you tell me more about it?”
Make a point of acting calm, even if you feel upset inside. If you act upset, your child is likely to get upset too. Kids often say that adults make the problem bigger by reacting in an unhelpful way. If you do this, your child might not tell you about problems in the future or might deny that anything is wrong. The older children are, the more important it is that they be able to feel some control about any follow-up actions you might take with the school.
In addition, if you act upset when you’re approaching teachers, school officials, or the parents of children who are bothering your child, they’re likely to become defensive. Nowadays, teachers and school administrators are often fearful of lawsuits, both from the parents of the child who was victimized and from the parents of the child who was accused of causing the problem. This is a real fear because a lawsuit can seriously drain a school’s already limited resources.
At the same time, most teachers and school administrators are deeply dedicated to the well-being of their students and want them to feel safe and happy at school. They’re far more likely to respond positively to parents who are approaching them in a calm and respectful way. However, no matter how good a job you do, some people will react badly when they’re first told about a problem. Don’t let that stop you; stay calm and be persistent about explaining what the issue is and what you want to see happen and how you can work together to do so.
Get Your Facts Right
Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, take time to get the whole story. Ask open-ended, non-leading questions of your child in a calm, reassuring way and listen to the answers.
Ask questions of other people who might be involved, making it clear that your goal is to understand and figure out how to address the problem rather than to get even with anybody.
Once you understand the situation, it works best to look for solutions, not for blame. Try to assume that overwhelmed teachers and school administrators deserve support and acknowledgment for what they’re doing right as well as to be told what’s wrong. Try to assume that children behave in hurtful ways do so because they don’t have a better way of meeting their needs or because they have problems in their own lives.
Be your child’s advocate, but accept the possibility that your child might have partially provoked or escalated the interaction. You might say, “It’s not your fault when someone hurts or makes fun of you, but I am wondering if you can think of another way you might have handled this problem?”
Pinpoint the Cause
Is the problem caused because the school needs more resources in order to supervise children properly during recess and lunch, or before and after school? Does your child need to learn skills for self-protection and boundary setting by making and practicing a plan with you or by taking a class such as Kidpower? Does the school need help formulating a clear policy that makes behavior that threatens, hurts, scares, or embarrasses others against the rules with appropriate, balanced, and consistent consequences? Do the children who harmed your child need to learn about empathy and to develop skills for using their power in positive ways instead of negative ones? Does a child who is using bullying behaviors have emotional problems and also needs help?
Protect Your Child
Your highest priority is, of course, to protect your child as best you can. Try to step back for perspective and keep the big picture in mind as well as the immediate problem. What protecting your child means will vary depending on the ability of the school to resolve the problem, the nature of the problem, and on the specific needs of your child.
Through programs such as Kidpower, make sure your child has the chance to practice skills in order to walk away from people who are being rude or threatening, to protect themselves emotionally and physically, and to ask for help sooner rather than later.
In some cases, protecting your child might mean that her teacher and school principal, the parents of the other child, and you all work on a plan together to stop the problem. In other cases, the solution for your child might be that you work solely with the school staff to make a plan that changes the access the other child has to your child during school hours. And in yet other cases, the best solution for your child might be to change schools.
In extreme cases, you might want to explore legal action. Different countries and states have different laws about children’s rights. If need be, explore the resources available in your community.
Prevent Future Problems
You also want to prevent future problems. All children deserve to be in an environment that is emotionally and physically safe. Dealing with ongoing harassment is like living with pollution – eventually, coping with the constant assault can undermine your child’s health.
In some situations, the solution might be to join together with other concerned adults to make lasting changes for the future. Concerned adults can help schools find and implement age-appropriate programs that create a culture of respect, caring, and safety rather than of competition, harassment, and disregard.
Get Help for Your Child
Finally, you want to get help for your child and for yourself to deal with the feelings that result from having had an upsetting experience or having dealt with ongoing social pollution like bullying behavior. Sometimes bullying can remind you about bad experiences in your own past. Parents often have to deal with guilt for not preventing the problem, and sometimes struggle with rage.
Getting help might mean talking issues over with other supportive adults who can listen to you and your child with perspective and compassion. Getting help might mean going to a therapist or talking with counselors provided by the school or by other agencies.
Give kids skills to protect themselves in the future
It’s normal for parents to want to protect children from all harm. If we monitor their lives so closely that they never fall, never fail, and never get hurt or sad, then we’d be depriving our children of having the room to grow.
Instead, we want to give kids skills for taking charge of their safety while ensuring that the adults, who we entrust with their care, provide adequate supervision, intervention, and support.
Most upsetting experiences don’t have to lead to long-term damage if children are listened to respectfully, if the problem is resolved, and if their feelings are supported. Young people can learn how to take charge of their safety by developing skills for preventing and stopping harassment themselves, by setting boundaries, avoiding people whose behavior is problematic, and getting help when they need it.
Kidpower's website has more solutions to prevent and stop bullying.
