Stephanie Llorente: When success equals failure

I’m not one for inspirational speech. I don’t like TED talks. I don’t post motivational quotes around my office. I don’t want to conquer the world after listening to Tony Robins. It’s not that I’m unmotivated. Quite the contrary. I just find motivation elsewhere.

Even so, I was completely blown away when I randomly stumbled upon a 2014 Dartmouth commencement address given by Shonda Rhimes, creator of Grey’s Anatomy and so many other shows that have shaped primetime television. In her speech (see 17:30 mark) she addressed a question I get asked fairly frequently: How do you do it all?

Now seems like a good place to share that Shonda and I are like night and day in many ways. We live on opposite sides of the nation. We’re different races. We have different family structures. We’re on different career paths. We have vastly different salaries. And the list goes on.

But, there is one thing we have in common: we’re driven to succeed for the benefit of ourselves and our families. In fact, it’s often the common thread that bonds all career-minded mothers. Whether working because we want to, or working because we need to, a mother’s drive to do well in the workplace is often produced by the desire to lead our families well.

In response to, “How do you do it all?” I often say things like, “I outsource a lot – cleaning, childcare, meals…” or “My husband is a rock star, and we share a lot of responsibilities.” Or, the self-deprecating, “Oh gosh, you probably think I accomplish more than I actually do.”

While these are all true statements, Shonda said none of these things. And I like her more for it. Instead, she hit the nail so perfectly on the head.

In response to, “How do you do it all?” she simply and succinctly said what we all know to be true…“I don’t.”

That truth was followed by, “Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.”

Dare I say that this is true for every working mother? No matter our location, lifestyle or laundry situation, there is always a tradeoff. When I craft a WRAL blog, I’m missing my daughter’s gymnastics practice. When I help with homework, I’m ignoring a client deadline. When I host a team meeting, I’ve declining to chaperone a field trip. When I produce a Restored event, I’m skipping bedtime snuggles and a recap of my child’s day.

In every space where I succeed, I also fail. I am no different than Shonda.

And yet, I’m OK with the failures. I’m at peace communicating my commitment to motherhood to clients. I’m good with my children seeing their mother earn an income. I’m cool with them knowing that I have priorities outside of their existence. I’m glad that my husband and extended family are so involved in their childhood. I’m thrilled to model for my kids that they, too, can achieve and simultaneously love well.

So, I’m officially adopting Shonda’s answer as my own.

How do I do it all? I don’t. And, I’m proud to have an army of supportive people, a handful of successes and an arsenal of failures to prove it.