Sex After 60

While editing my recent interview with Raleigh-based marriage, family counselor and sex therapist Laurie Watson, my teenage son came in to ask me something. I thought he was looking over my shoulder, so I said, "Do you want to read the article about sex after sixty?" He quickly backed out of my office and said "Ew...Mom! If you didn't want me to interrupt you, just say so. Eww...!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even in families that try to talk about the difficult topics that are hard to talk about, there is still this immediate aversion to this particular topic--which means that it fits well with this month's theme: What are you afraid of?

No one likes to talk about sex during the later years, but I’ve found that many have questions about it. Dr. Ben Fischer, of Fischer Clinic, a direct-pay practice that serves many patients over 60, said he refers patients who ask questions in this vein to Dr. Laurie Watson. As the author of “Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage” (published by Berkeley Imprint), producer of the top-ranked podcast "Foreplay - Radio Sex Therapy" and popular blogger for Psychology Today and WebMD, she is often invited to speak in both churches and medical schools, conferences and workshops. Here is an edited transcript from our conversation.

Early in my career, I was surprised to hear how many young couples were struggling with sex and intimacy. I had thought this only impacts older couples, but realized it impacts everyone. In fact, did you know that 25% of couples become sexless by the time they have been together for two years? My commitment in life is to reduce the divorce rates in North Carolina, by increasing the emotional and physical connectedness of the couples I work with.

What should we aim for?

Optimal sex is really a combination of erotic touch, being present and feeling emotionally connected. Men and women both say that.

How does aging affect our ability to connect sexually with our partner?

Women are harder hit in terms of libido and men in terms of functioning. Women also struggle with vaginal dryness, but most people find that those are minimal barriers. The bigger problem is often that lots of issues have built up over many years and the couple feels it’s impossible to address or change them. Resentment and distance shut people down sexually.

How do you work with couples?

What I do is help couples see the patterns in their interactions when they are in therapy with me because usually this dynamic is present in every area of their relationship. Often, in marriage, one person becomes the pursuer, while the other person gets their needs met through work, a hobby or friends. The pursuer complains and controls and the distancer ignores and shuts down. What the distancer doesn’t realize is that by backing away, they are creating a frantically pursuing partner who then complains all the more and the dynamic is reinforced. While one person might assume they have to change their entire personality to make the other person happy, that’s not true. The other person can often be much happier with just a few small changes. Often times, there is also repair work to do. It’s true that therapy can’t change the past, but it can change how we feel about the past.

Philosopher Koestenbaum says “Expect two marriages in every lifetime, sometimes to the same person." There is an opportunity, during the later years, to reinvent yourself, whether it’s with another partner or with your own long-term partner. We do generally grow wiser as we grow older. One of the beautiful things I’ve seen in menopausal women is that they start to voice what they want. For whatever we lose in beauty, we make up for in spirit. Seeing a woman blossom—saying “I like this and that”—is a wonderful coming out.

How do we bring some eroticism back into the marriage?

I often suggest a second honeymoon. Calling it a honeymoon means it is implicitly about sex. Bring the negligee. Take the time for more pleasure and touching. Then reinforce that with lots of affirmations, saying things like, “I really like it when we spend this kind of time sexually” versus the common complaint, “We don’t ever do anything new.”