Self-Acceptance With Help From Beyoncé

Michael Arceneaux was 6 years old when his uncle Daniel, his father’s brother, died of AIDS. When his father reacted to that death by repeatedly shouting a slur about Daniel, Arceneaux “discovered what it meant to be different and how some people might react to it.” Raised Catholic in Houston, Arceneaux was taught that homosexuality was “an aberration of God’s natural order.” He uses a remarkable amount of humor to tell the difficult story of his upbringing, his experience with religion and his struggles with sex in “I Can’t Date Jesus: Love, Sex, Family, Race, and Other Reasons I’ve Put My Faith in Beyoncé.” Below, he discusses the specific ways in which Beyonce has inspired him, how the book is different than it would have been 10 years ago when he first wanted to write it and more.

A: I’ve always wanted to write essays. And in 2010, an author named Helena Andrews wrote “Bitch Is the New Black.” It was like Sloane Crosley and David Sedaris, both of whom I’m fans of, but she’s black and I could identify with that. She was kind enough to show me her book proposal. If you’re not well off, you don’t always know how publishing works. She showed me that template and allowed me to start crafting how I wanted to write about my particular story. If not for her, it might have taken me longer to figure out exactly what kind of book I wanted to write.

It’s called essays, but it’s essentially a memoir. It’s chronological. There were a lot of polite noes from publishers. They were very detailed, structured, complimentary noes. You can’t do a lot with, “This is great, but I can’t sell it.” So I started to write the kind of personal stories I wanted to put in a book, to show that they could resonate with people. For XO Jane (rest in peace), I wrote about how, at 30, I was finally tackling my fear of sex. From there, I did things for NPR and Gawker. I did it to build, to show I can do this.

A: I had a hypersensitivity. Even in writing about my parents and my family or people who had done wrong by me, I was very sensitive to making sure I got them right and that I didn’t throw anyone under the bus. I think it’s easy to say, “You did this to me. This is how it made me feel,” and we don’t properly contextualize people. Even if it’s complicated, I love them. And I wanted to be fair.

When you tell other people’s stories, you need to be aware that there’s only so much you should be allowed to say. Even if the people I wrote about would never read the book, or would be angry if they did, I wanted them to know that I tried to acknowledge what I did and why people are the way they are. When I wrote about each of my parents, I cried during the process. I’m not a big crier, and I don’t say that as a badge of honor. In trying to explain why my parents might have done or said certain things, I reflected on what they went through, and what their parents did to them.

A: If I had gotten a book deal much sooner, I would have been proud of that book but it wouldn’t have been the same. I can be impatient. I needed to live a little bit longer. I think you can write about your life at 24, 25, and still have something to say. But I’m 34 now. I’ve experienced a lot more. I’ve made peace with a lot of things I hadn’t when I first pursued writing this. That book would have been funny, but I think it would have used humor even more as a bludgeon. My head was a bit hotter. I’m not malicious, but sometimes I can cut deep and come across as harsh because of how I grew up.

When I write about not having a boyfriend — you can always blame other people, but I had to look in the mirror and say: “You were attracting unattainable people because you yourself were unattainable. Michael, you’re part of the problem yourself.” I wouldn’t have known that or owned it as much four or five years ago. I can sit around and criticize and psychoanalyze people all day, so I should be able to turn around and do that to myself.

A: Beyonce. I love her for many reasons, particularly being country and black and from Houston. So often, people are told to essentially dilute who they are to attract the masses. Don’t sound too black; don’t be too gay. In order to have a certain type of success, you’re told you have to appease and pacify the audience.

She’s a fundamentally country black girl, and even if people didn’t realize it over her career, she was bringing them into her world. She made the masses come to her, not the other way around. People have directly or indirectly let me know that sounding too black, or this and that, made me niche. People love to throw that word around. But if the most famous pop star in the world, who went to the same middle school as me and dances the way the girls I always knew danced, can have people gravitate to her, that inspires me.

A: If you’ve ever struggled with reconciling who you knew you were with what you were taught to be, this book is for you. It’s about developing your own sense of right and wrong and your own sense of joy.

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“I Can’t Date Jesus: Love, Sex, Family, Race, and Other Reasons I’ve Put My Faith in Beyoncé”

By Michael Arceneaux

241 pages. Atria. $17.