Sarah King: I shouldn't have to ask

Have you ever heard of the mental load? I am often shocked at how often the answer is “no, what’s that?” The mental load is the unseen planning and organizing required to run a household that all too often falls onto the shoulders of the woman of the house.

In the past, when women didn’t work outside of the home, this was expected. How to manage a household was taught to girls in school. When they reached adulthood, they were well equipped to manage home life, leaving their husbands free to go out and conquer the world. Make that money!

I recently spoke with a friend of mine who was at her wits end with her husband. He never lifted a finger. He reasoned that he didn’t need to help around the house because he worked outside the home. He made more money than her, so he felt justified.

As a teacher, she was managing virtual learning that was required for her classroom, as well as for her children. At the end of the day, with no help from her husband, she then had to make dinner and clean the house. She and her husband got into it one night over the fact she was sick of doing all the housework. When she pleaded for more help, he replied “Give me a list and I’ll get to it.” And, of course she replied “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO ASK! Open your eyes.” The only way she got him to clean the kitchen was to threaten divorce!

Why? Can our partners not see for themselves that the dishes are piled up? That the bathroom is filthy? That we are out of milk and eggs? As parents, we have to teach our children to take care of themselves. To have the wherewithal to see where help is needed. Our sons are no less entitled to pull their weight than our daughters.

Give them chores. Give them responsibilities that require planning. Maybe they make dinner once a week. Have them plan it out and make sure that they have what they need to make it. These types of activities require them to be an active member of the household, planning and facilitating solutions without explicit instruction.

I’ve come up with a creative solution for my personal sanity. I am a person with a predisposition to planning. That doesn’t mean I don’t get exhausted carrying the burden of all the tasks and scheduling that running a household requires. I do. But after 20 years of carrying the mental load, I came up with a solution that I could live with. I hate cleaning the litter box. Since I have to be the one to remind everyone of everything, I NEVER have to clean it out. I ask my husband to do it. I don’t feel guilty about this at all. Not one little bit.

It’s not a perfect solution. It doesn’t get to the root of the problem, but it’s a solution I can live with. Full disclosure, my husband is very self-starting in a lot of ways. He cleans without requiring me to hassle him and cooks when he needs to as well. But I still have to plan the dates, vacations, house maintenance, and all the doctor visits. So for that, no kitty litter for me!

Being a woman is hard. We are expected to be contributors to society through our work and careers, to be mothers, to be attractive and available to our partners, to be fun and spontaneous with our friends, and to be general contractors and project managers of our households. If this all seems like too much for one person to manage, well that’s because it is. Let’s teach our children how to think for themselves, so the next generation of women can share the mental load instead suffocating under its weight.