Our Relationship Is Open, but I’m Not

Q: My longtime partner and I decided to “open” our relationship sexually. Our rules: No emotional entanglements, and neither of us wants to hear about the other’s sexual activities (directly or from third parties) or be embarrassed by word of trysts spreading among friends. This requires a lot of discretion. I don’t know if she has acted on our arrangement yet, but I’m too scared to! I’m terrified that someone will spot me on a date. So, I haven’t done anything yet. Any advice? — Mac

A: Let’s start with the notion that every long-term relationship is its own ecosystem. Just because many of us have a personal horror story to share about extracurricular sexual activities in relationships is no reason to conclude that you and your partner can’t pull this off, Mac, if you’re determined to.

My skepticism here goes to temperament. The first serious rule breaking I did was as a teenager in Vermont. I pretended to sleep over at a friend’s house, when in fact we fled Brattleboro for New York City (in a teenager-driven car — terrible!) to see Simon and Garfunkel’s free concert in Central Park. Nothing bad happened, but nothing good happened, either. I don’t recall a note of music. All of my energy was laser focused on the prospect of being caught. Some of us aren’t cut out for the high wire, Mac.

You prize your relationship, so you perform a rational balancing act: weighing the (probably slim) chances of violating your agreement against the (graver) dangers to your relationship. Think again about whether you really want sex with someone other than your partner. You may not be up for the risks. If so, revisit the subject with your mate. (Or find a job that includes lots of time on the road.)

Q: My wife’s friend gives parties in her own honor: birthdays, life achievements, etc. Invites go out to “cherished friends” a month in advance and inevitably, a week beforehand, we receive a spreadsheet assigning us specific food or liquor to bring — all signed with praying hands emoji. This has happened several times. When the spreadsheet comes, I send regrets, often with white lies. But I would rather be honest: “You can afford your own parties!” (We’ve entertained her many times, without asking her to bring a thing.) May I be honest? — Anonymous

A: Aside from the praying hands emoji (which strike me as thin gratitude), the only part of this woman’s behavior I don’t care for is her failure to mention that her parties are potlucks when she makes her invitations. You are entitled to know the terms of the deal up front. This would also spare you (white) lying.

But what you call being “honest” sounds like a desire to “correct.” This woman is not a close friend. (You identify her as a pal of your wife.) And by now, you know exactly how her parties work. If you don’t like them, stop saying yes. But she’s not asking for your opinion. Better simply to decline her invitations and let everybody give the parties they like.

Q: Our 31-year-old son is a medical resident at a hospital. The choice to go into medicine was his, but we paid for his entire education — college and medical school. The problem: He hates what he’s doing, the hours, the culture, etc. But he doesn’t know what he’d rather do instead. What is my role in advising him? — Maggie

A: Be a supportive mom (and try not to drive yourself crazy with the sunk costs of his education). Suggest he visit the career counseling office at his (undoubtedly exorbitant — sorry!) school. He surely has options for using his medical skills outside of the “Grey’s Anatomy” hospital rat race. But sadly, at a certain point, we grown-ups have to make our own decisions about what constitutes satisfying work.

Q: From my balcony, I have a view of a postcard-perfect mountain about 100 miles away. The view would be impressive were it not for a single very tall tree about a mile away. Would it be egregious to identify the property where the tree lies and offer its owner removal at our expense, or should we leave nature as it is? — Chris

A: It’s hard to imagine a single tree ruining your view — unless it’s the one the Keebler elves live in? But I get how your thoughts might wander to tree removal, gazing at the (obscured) mountain from your balcony. Personally, I would find it aggressive if someone knocked on my door and asked me to remove a tree. (I love my trees. And I would want much better compensation than gratis removal.) Do you really want to walk down that road?

Still, you may be able to ask in a super-charming, unentitled way. And for all we know, the owners pray nightly for someone to come around and offer to cut down their looming tree. You’ll only know if you ask. But if you do, be prepared to take no for an answer very quickly, OK?