Dear Sugars,
I’m a 41-year-old widow. Before my husband died unexpectedly a couple of years ago, he told his parents that if anything were to happen to him, he wanted me to have the apartment we lived in, which they own. His parents repeatedly told me they wanted me to stay in the apartment after he died. I’ve been very close to them and their extended family, both before and after my husband’s death. When I began dating someone last year, they were happy for me and also appreciative that my boyfriend was supportive of my bond with them.
My boyfriend and I got engaged a few months ago. I was soon told that the apartment was meant for me and my late husband, not me and my husband-to-be. On some level, I understood, but it was difficult to feel like I was no longer part of the family. My father-in-law had died shortly before, and I learned that it was my brother-in-law who pushed to get me out. When I discussed it with him at a family gathering, he said that I’d been living off his family too long and since my marriage to my late husband had been only 18 months long and we didn’t have children, I had no right to the apartment. I left and cried all the way home. I’d done nothing but care for my late husband’s family and love them like my own.
I wrote to my mother-in-law and explained that because of what my brother-in-law said, I would no longer attend family functions. She didn’t respond and my relationship with her and the family has been nonexistent since then. The hurt I feel is indescribable. I’m soon moving out of the apartment and relocating to another state, but I’m not sure how to navigate my departure from this family. Do I defend myself? Do I skulk away in silence? Do I say goodbye?
— Bruised
Cheryl Strayed: I’m sorry for your loss, Bruised. Families almost always reshuffle when a member dies — and your family has lost two. What once seemed permanent is now impossible to sustain. Very often those changes hurt. I hope you’ll find a way to think of your move from the apartment not as evidence that you’re no longer part of your late husband’s family, but rather as a necessary shift in the way you’re connected to them. Your brother-in-law was wrong to speak to you so rudely and inaccurately about the matter, but I encourage you to resist conflating him with your mother-in-law and other family members. Perhaps a way for you to reframe the way you feel about this move is to remember that it’s a reasonable response to your changing circumstances, regardless of who was behind the decision to ask you to vacate the apartment. Your late husband’s parents generously honored their word during a time that you most needed them to, but now that you’re marrying another man, it makes sense that you’d move out.
Steve Almond: It’s a rare and beautiful thing that you were able to love and support your in-laws during your husband’s life and after his untimely death. That’s no doubt part of the reason he wanted you to have the apartment — so that you and his family would remain connected. But the apartment wasn’t his to bestow, and ultimately, this dispute isn’t about living space. It’s about the unbearable losses you’ve all endured. Not just the loss of your husband, but your father-in-law, too. The acrimony you’ve experienced is, more than anything, anguish and misplaced rage. Your in-laws regarded you as a link to their lost beloved. When you became involved with someone new and decided to make a life with him, they felt betrayed, as if their loss was being redoubled. Is that fair? No. Is it understandable? Absolutely.
CS: You ask if you should say goodbye when you depart for your new home, and my answer is absolutely yes. Not to the bully brother-in-law who isn’t worthy of your regard, but to your mother-in-law and other family members you feel bonded to. I’m not surprised that your mother-in-law didn’t respond to the letter you wrote after your confrontation with her son. She’s likely reluctant to get involved with a conflict that puts her in the middle, so don’t involve her — or any family members. Instead, focus on your regard and affection for those you care about and hope to stay connected to.
SA: I’m a big believer in the power of verbs, Bruised. The one that stood out to me in your letter was skulk. It suggests the belief that leaving town without saying anything to your in-laws would represent a shameful and avoidant retreat, a failure to “defend” yourself from their antagonism. I’d urge you to take a more forgiving view of the situation. In leaving town with your new partner, you will in some significant ways be bidding this family farewell, a family that you loved — and that loved you — as you all struggled to absorb insoluble losses.
