Is It Too Late to Confront My Abusive Ex?

I’m now picking up the pieces by going to therapy and trying to heal. Meanwhile, he enjoys a public image as an “amazing person” and ally to women of color. I’m overcome with anger toward him and also myself. I know the saying “hurt people hurt people” is true, but what about the lasting damage my ex caused me? Is it worth it to contact him and tell him that I’ve come to understand that his behavior was emotionally abusive? I cannot resolve the countless men who hurt and traumatize women while avoiding any consequences. I don’t wish him harm, but I’d like to get resolution or a semblance of justice without being painted as the crazy ex. Is this possible? — LIVID

Cheryl Strayed: Your anger is understandable, Livid. You were wronged, and you want the person who did you harm to be held accountable. That’s a reasonable desire, but I don’t think you’ll get that by confronting your ex-boyfriend. Very likely such a confrontation would only draw you into the emotional turmoil you left behind when your relationship ended. It would also quite possibly expose you to your ex’s abuse again. One more argument with you almost certainly won’t change his behavior or alter his sense of himself. It’ll only keep you entangled with him while taking your focus off your own healing. So instead of confronting the man, I suggest you confront the lie. All those people in your sphere who thought your ex was “the whole package”? Tell them the truth, and keep telling it every time the opportunity presents itself. Do the same with your ex, should you interact with him again. Liberate yourself from the distorted perceptions of the man who abused you by not offering him cover when you speak about him or to him. Your healing isn’t about the things your ex says or does or believes, but what you do.

Steve Almond: One of the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship is the schism you describe. The abuser is compassionate in public and cruel in private. Your ex is peddling a fraudulent version of himself, one that erases the trauma he inflicted on you. Your therapy is clearly helping you to discern the true story of your relationship. It may be that telling this story to others will soothe your anger. But seeking to revise his “public image” may also provoke the kind of public shaming to which you allude, and at which this guy likely excels. Why play games? I’d advise a more direct approach. Write him a letter. Not to initiate a dialogue, or extract an apology — exposing yourself to more of his machinations would be disastrous — but to document what this relationship felt like for you. Whether or not you decide to send such a missive, it will offer you the chance to undo your erasure. Simultaneously, I would urge you to cut off all contact with your ex — via text, email and especially social media. Make him disappear. If, after that, you still feel the need to speak about this man, whether to warn other women or set the record straight, you can do so knowing that you held him accountable in the most important setting, which is not the court of public opinion but private truth.

Strayed: If you write and send the letter Steve suggests, I encourage you to let go of the expectation that your ex’s response to it will be what brings about “resolution or a semblance of justice.” Instead, imagine ways you might achieve those things on your own. The first would be to remember that you’ve held your ex to account by ending your relationship with him. The consequence of his abuse is that he doesn’t get you in his life. Your resolution is that you get to be free of him and his controlling and manipulative ways. The most meaningful act isn’t that he owns up to or apologizes for the harm he caused, but rather that you have permanently moved yourself out of harm’s way. As the 17th-century poet George Herbert said, “Living well is the best revenge,” and you, Livid, are doing just that. By going to therapy and examining this relationship as honestly as you are, you’re building a new life and a stronger, clearer sense of what you want in a romantic relationship. You’re justifiably angry about the past right now, but with time and intention, my guess is that you’ll find the damage your ex caused isn’t so “lasting” after all. And there may even be a silver lining. What you experienced in this relationship, and subsequently learned about yourself, may be the very thing that enables you to avoid engaging with emotional abusers in the future.

Almond: As a culture, we’re slowly making strides to reckon with physical and sexual abuse. But our ability to speak openly about emotional abuse remains stunted, in part because the bruises it leaves are invisible to the eye. Yet there are millions of women, and men, mired in the destructive cycles you describe — the contempt, the loyalty tests, the constant sowing of mistrust. Emotional abuse thrives in silence. This is why you feel compelled to speak about your past, along with the fact that your ex openly cultivates his racial enlightenment while covertly exploiting his patriarchal privilege. I’d keep in mind two truths. First, as Cheryl notes, this man’s power over your emotional life will diminish in direct correlation to your own healing. Second, our public performances of virtue do little to undo our private transgressions. Those stay with us. Eventually, inevitably, the mask falls away. Whether or not you play a role in that unmasking, it will happen. Emotional abusers are ultimately weaklings. They can only build themselves up by tearing others down. It’s a sad way to live. However you choose to speak about this man, keep the central focus on your own story, on what you deserve. Namely, a partner who treats you with the love and respect your ex wasn’t strong enough to provide.