Insidious: The Last Key: Ethan Hawke is not in this movie

RALEIGH, N.C. — A new horror movie is out today. And, if you’ll recall my review of It, I’m not going to see it. So, instead I sent my wife, Sally, who loves scary movies. What follows is a transcript of our conversation about Insidious: The Last Key.

Demetri: So what is this movie even about? I don’t think I’ve seen a trailer. 

Sally: Well, it’s connected to the other Insidious movies. There’s a medium that’s in all of them. In this one she goes back to the house she grew up in. She had an abusive dad and now there’s a demon there.

Demetri: Let me guess. The demon was her dad the whole time.

Sally: No

Demetri: So is the medium Ethan Hawke?

Sally: No. Where did you get Ethan Hawke from?

Demetri: Wasn’t he in Insidious?

Sally: No

Demetri: Was he in a horror movie? This seems like the part of his career where he’d be in those kinds of movies, like when Cary Elwes was in The Ring.

Sally: Cary Elwes was in Saw.

Demetri: I mean, they all seem the same. 

Sally: The Ring and Saw are nothing alike.

Demetri: Whatever. It’s not like I’m going to see either of them. Hey, did you ever see Human Centipede?

Sally: Gross. No! Why? Did you?

Demetri: God no! 

Sally: Insidious is nothing like Human Centipede.

Demetri: So the demon is the old lady’s dad.

Sally: No. He just lives in her dad’s house and wants to kidnap her and take her to a place called The Further.

Demetri: The Further? You’ve gotta be [explitive deleted] kidding me! Was the title Thanger Strangs just too obvious?

Sally: I know

Demetri: I mean it’s just so lazy and stupid.

Sally: To be fair, Insidious was before Stranger Things.

Demetri: Is there a Barb in this that everyone goes bananas over even though she was the worst character that deserved to be eaten for trying to keep Nancy from getting some?

Sally: You know, for someone who claims not to have liked Stranger Things, you sure do remember a lot of details.

Demetri: So who was in Insidious? Bill Paxton?

Sally: Patrick Wilson

Demetri: Do you remember that story arch on Entourage where we were supposed to believe that Patrick Wilson was the biggest movie star on the planet?

Sally: I’ve never seen Entourage.

Demetri: In hindsight, you didn’t miss much.

Sally: You need hindsight to figure that out?

Demetri: Okay, all you watch is Investigation Discovery. You don’t get to judge what I watch. So was Insidious…what’s it called? The Lost Key?

Sally: Last Key 

Demetri: Was it good?

Sally: I mean for an Insidious movie. They aren’t very good. The acting is always bad in these movies.

Demetri: So are you saying the demon isn’t her dad because you don’t want to spoil anything?

Sally: No. The demon is just some guy.

Demetri: That’s anti-climactic. And why does the demon have to be male? I thought monsters were genderless.

Sally: Have you read the news lately? You guys are awful.

Demetri: Do they show the demon?

Sally: Yes. It looks like Marilyn Manson’s head on a skeleton.

Demetri: So like Marilyn Manson?

Sally: I knew you were going to say that.

Demetri: I go for low hanging fruit.