Inconceivable: Here's how I'm surviving pregnancy after loss

From the minute I got pregnant, I was terrified of losing. After successfully having a son six years ago, I had two pregnancies - both ended in miscarriages. After two years of trying on our own and losing, we sought help from a fertility clinic. We had four failed IUIs and a medicated natural cycle before we did IVF.

In October, we found out we were having twins. Two heartbeats. Now I had two babies to worry about!

But three weeks later, we went to the doctor for our nine-week appointment and found that one of the twins didn’t have a heartbeat. Development had stopped. And so did any sense of security in this pregnancy. The other baby looked fine. The doctor said it was “robust” and I had a low chance of losing it too. But I couldn’t rationalize this baby being OK when its twin sat lifeless in its sac just a few inches away.

There is no road map for surviving pregnancy after a previous miscarriage. Believe me, I spent hours searching the internet for a guide. In the end, I found a few helpful tips from other women who have been there. Here’s what I’ve been able to

Family, friends and probably a therapist who can help you sort out your emotions and fears.

I did Headspace meditation throughout my fertility journey and it always helped me calm down.

You are going to analyze all of your symptoms. I would go a few hours without nausea and be convinced I had miscarried. You aren’t going to feel terrible the entire time. Know that symptoms fade and sometimes aren’t the same as others.

I know this one sounds weird but when I had my first miscarriage I bled a lot. I was preparing for my normal Friday AM appearance on WRAL News on Fox 50 to tell you what to do that weekend. I went to the bathroom and saw nothing but bright red blood. (NOTE: Bleeding while pregnant does necessarily mean a miscarriage. I have friends who bled their entire pregnancies and it was fine! But for me it meant a miscarriage.)

My second miscarriage I had no signs or blood. We found out at our first ultrasound. With my history, I was terrified to pee at the beginning of my pregnancy. I would have to repeat this mantra in my head every time – “it’s fine, gonna be mellow yellow.” As weird as it sounds, it actually helped me loosen up a little bit.

After losing one of the twins, I found that I was afraid to become attached to the baby that was still there. It was like I was worried about getting my heart broken again. I had to allow myself to grieve for the twin first. With each passing day, I started to build a new bond with the baby that was left. I started by talking to it and even looking at nurseries on Pinterest.

While it’s great to connect with other pregnant women, there are a lot of women out there who have lost their babies at various stages. No matter what week I was in the pregnancy, I always seemed to end up reading about a woman who had lost at that week. It didn’t help me calm down.

Now that I’m in the second trimester, I’m starting to feel a little more secure in this pregnancy, but I still have my days of fear. I’ve started feeling little twitches of movement and that helps me a lot.

How did you get through your first pregnancy after a loss?