Lifestyles

I’m Still Salty About My Sister’s Elopement

Q: A year ago, my sister got married. Only parents were invited. My sister told me I couldn’t come because she and the groom didn’t want to make his brother, who lives in Berlin, feel obligated to make an expensive trip. When my father questioned this, my sister exploded and eloped without my parents there. A year later, things are still strained. I am planning a 65th birthday party for my mother, who wants my sister to come. I think I’m still owed an apology. My sister demands we respect her choices (without regard for our hurt feelings). Advice? — Sarah

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PHILIP GALANES
, New York Times
Q: A year ago, my sister got married. Only parents were invited. My sister told me I couldn’t come because she and the groom didn’t want to make his brother, who lives in Berlin, feel obligated to make an expensive trip. When my father questioned this, my sister exploded and eloped without my parents there. A year later, things are still strained. I am planning a 65th birthday party for my mother, who wants my sister to come. I think I’m still owed an apology. My sister demands we respect her choices (without regard for our hurt feelings). Advice? — Sarah

A: To everyone sitting around waiting for an apology: Learn a handicraft! Try knitting or carving rosettes out of radishes. Then, at least, you’ll have something to show for your time when the apology never arrives. Some people simply won’t say, “I’m sorry.” This doesn’t excuse the omission; it’s a character flaw.

If you squint, you can almost follow your sister’s loopy logic: The groom didn’t want his brother to feel bad about missing the wedding, so she excluded you as a courtesy to him. It’s a convoluted plot and hurtful — and a shame she can’t own up to its silliness retrospectively. Then you might all move on. But she’s too stubborn or selfish or embarrassed, so now the choice is yours.

We all do terrible things to our siblings (and they to us). Sometimes we can wall off the bad behavior and move beyond fiascos worse than this. (You don’t mention your sister being a lifelong monster.) Focus on your mom’s party and avoid wedding talk. There is no point in rehearsing your hurt feelings; your sister is not prepared to deal with them yet. But like the rest of us, she is not the meanest thing she ever did. Here’s hoping she comes around!

This Is Embarrassing, but ...
Q: I have a super-humiliating problem. Thanks to some gross symptoms, I made a doctor’s appointment; she told me I had a sexually transmitted disease. She gave me a shot and told me I would be fine in a couple of days. But I slept with two guys recently (before the shot). Should I tell them? Maybe they didn’t contract the STD? Art

A: You may have been too freaked out to hear her, but I am nearly certain your doctor told you to notify all recent sexual partners. We don’t know if they were infected (and are now passing the STD to others); that’s why they need to be tested. Sadly, sex and shame often go hand in hand. But you didn’t hurt anyone intentionally. What you can do intentionally (and briskly) is clean up the mess. Text the guys and tell them you need to speak with them quickly. When they call, tell them they should be tested for STDs because you were just treated for one. And in the future, safety first! Check out Planned Parenthood’s guidelines for safer sex.

Mixing Business With Displeasure
Q: I am a bartender at a neighborhood bar. I have a good rapport with my customers, who tell me they enjoy our talks. I’m grateful to them, and for their generosity. But I’m struggling with a patron who wants a friendship outside the bar. He doesn’t want to date me. But I don’t want to share even one cup of coffee with him outside work. He’s not a bad guy; he just doesn’t interest me. How do I refuse his friendship? I’d hate for the bar to lose a patron.Anonymous

A: Have you tried something subtle, like: “I’d sooner drink tequila muddled with rat poison than meet you for coffee”? That would probably work. But you needn’t be dramatic about this or even “refuse” his friendship. The next time he invites you to meet outside the bar, say, “Brad, I’ve learned over the years that it’s better for me not to mix customers with my personal life. Now, what can I get you?” Don’t feel guilty, either. You are paid to provide a service, which, apparently, you do quite well. Any relationship beyond that is your call.

Whatever Happened to Checks?
Q: I lent a young relative $500. A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from Zelle, a digital payment service, saying that my relative sent me $100. I told her that I don’t deal with digital payment services. What followed were three emails: asking why I don’t use them, telling me how easy they are, and insisting people love them because they’re fast. I said I’d prefer a check. No further word (or check). Was I wrong?Yvette

A: That depends on your objective. After reading reams of letters about bad loans to blood relations, yours was one of the few that had even a whiff of repayment about it (albeit partial). On that basis, I wish you’d taken the money and run! But you make a fair point. A quick call to thank you and confirm repayment method would have been nice, especially these days — when some folks may not be comfortable with digital payment services and others may not have checkbooks.

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