How to talk politics with angry loved ones who disagree with you
Millions of people will sit down at the Thanksgiving table this week across from family members on the opposite side of the political divide. If talk turns to the election, it could easily become a testy turkey day.Posted — Updated
Yet these are people we care about. Isn't there a way to communicate that allows both sides to be heard without further tearing our relationships apart?
Absolutely, experts say. Here are eight suggestions on how to bridge the gap.
Ask yourself: Why am I doing this?
"In terms of deciding whether or not you want to have a conversation with somebody across political lines, it is important to be aware of what your own motivations are," said Tania Israel, author of "Beyond Your Bubble: How to Connect Across the Political Divide: Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work."
"If your goal is to change the other person's mind in one conversation, you're going to be really disappointed, because you're not likely to be that effective," cautioned Vaile Wright, American Psychological Association's senior director of health care innovation.
It can help to keep your relationship with that other person top of mind, suggests Jacksonville, Florida, clinical psychologist Nina Silander, who has written about the lack of conservative views in the field of psychology.
"Think about why it is you care about this person, or why you like them or appreciate them," Silander said. That can soften your response and help you "better articulate your perspective and lend credence to their viewpoint."
Try curiosity first
Avoid approaching the exchange with a list of talking points or facts in mind, experts suggest. Instead, you want to ask questions and truly understand the response.
"The most important thing you can do is to listen to the other person," advised Israel, a professor in the department of counseling, clinical and school psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara.
To do that, enter the conversation with simple curiosity, she advised.
"Being curious about where they're coming from and trying to understand where they're coming from helps set people's expectations (about the outcome of the talk) more appropriately," Israel said.
Be prepared to listen, not talk
To do that, you may have to learn and practice some new (or rusty) skills, the type taught in marriage counseling, for example.
Repeating back what you think you heard and asking questions are techniques known to elicit clarifications, as your loved one realizes either they misspoke or you misunderstood.
"Minimizing misunderstanding is incredibly important -- repeating back what we think we've heard, asking questions to clarify, looking and really striving for opportunities to share and find common ground can go a long way," Silander said.
"It helps you to really listen if you know that you're going to need to summarize," Israel added. "It's also going to help them to feel more understood, and that's going to help to create that connection and keep the entire conversation on a calmer level."
Go a step further and acknowledge the other position, Silander suggests.
"Trying to understand someone else's position, or trying to see the world through their eyes is what we call in developmental psychology, 'theory of mind.' It's something we learn to do between four and five years of age -- understanding that other people can see things differently," Silander said.
Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements is another important way to facilitate dialogue, Wright said.
"For example, you could say 'I have a lot of concerns about this election, and how it might affect health care because I have a preexisting condition.' Keep it about you and your feelings and about the policies, not the people," Wright added.
Experts CNN spoke to point out that these skills not only will help better our dialogue across political lines, but in our daily lives as well.
"They're also going to help us to be better parents, better partners, better community members and coworkers," Wright said.
Beware the minefield of human nature
Expect to feel an emotional flare-up when you hear things you don't like. It's part of being human, an ancient and automatic reaction to any perceived threat to our well-being.
"It turns out that our bodies don't necessarily know the difference between the saber-toothed tiger and a shocking news event or a heated conversation with another person," Israel said.
Our sympathetic nervous system goes into action when we perceive a threat, flooding the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones. Key signs of that reaction can be a racing heart, tense muscles, even a flushed face.
"We are ready to fight or to run away from the threat," Israel said.
Such reactions to politics can even harm our health, research has found.
The hospitalization rate for heart attack and stroke in a major California health system was 1.62 times higher in the two days immediately after the 2016 presidential election than the same two days the week before, a study released in late October said.
"This is a wake-up call," said study author David Williams, chair of the department of social and behavioral sciences and a professor at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, in a statement.
"We need to pay greater attention to the ways in which stress linked to political campaigns, rhetoric and election outcomes can directly harm health."
It's possible to interrupt our natural tendency to become stressed and anxious by using grounding techniques as soon as we feel ourselves tensing, psychologists say.
'"We can do deep breathing," Israel said. "We can physically ground ourselves by noticing the feeling of the chair underneath us or by touching our own arm and paying attention to that."
Set yourself up for success by making sure you're in top mental shape for the conversation, Wright suggests.
"It's not great to have these conversations at the end of a long, hard day, or when people have been drinking or a situation where you're not as emotionally in control as as you'd like to be," she warned.
Beware of tribal urges
It's natural for people to want to be in groups with similar viewpoints, or to "find our tribe," experts say.
"During an election year, we can become rather tribal, and that can be inflamed by media, it can be flamed by special interest groups, and it caters to our own human nature," Silander said.
"The people media choose for spokespeople usually are more extreme in their views, but it's also our basic psychology that we tend to have these distorted perceptions of people who we see as being different from ourselves," Israel said.
This instinctual feeling of "us versus them" intensifies with divisive rhetoric, Wright said, which can lead us to label people in ways that make it difficult to find common ground.
"It isn't just that you and I have differences on how the educational system should run," Wright said. "It becomes 'You don't care about teachers, you don't care about kids.' It becomes not about the issue, but about you as a person and your values."
Try to find common ground
To combat that, Silander suggests learning about the fundamental value differences between liberals and conservatives in an objective and considerate way.
"It really enables us to better understand and empathize with one another," Silander said. "And we can start to see that maybe we often share concerns that are more similar in nature than we would have thought, even if we disagree with what solutions to those concerns would look like."
As an example, Silander points to civil rights issues as a way for liberals to try to understand why some conservatives believe mandates to wear masks are an infringement on personal liberties.
"The underlying theme or principle can at least be one way to relate even if we disagree," she said.
Join a group and practice
Practice makes perfect, as they say. Over the last four years, groups of people dedicated to bringing political opposites together have sprung up around the country.
Joining a training -- such as those offered by The Better Arguments Project -- can jump-start your skills for that all-important talk with a loved one.
"The concept of a better argument is really all about caring more about one another than we do about our opinion on a specific subject," explained Caroline Hopper, managing director of the Citizenship & American Identity Program at The Aspen Institute, which oversees the program along with The Allstate Corporation and educational nonprofit Facing History and Ourselves.
If we politely ignore our differences -- especially with those closest to us -- we are "giving up our public discourse, our family discourse, to the voices that are the most polarized," Hopper said.
"We're not going to be able to seek any kind of informed solutions together because we're not getting the full scope of information that we need," she added.
"To make our democracy work, we really need to be engaged with each other," Silander said. "I honestly think we are stronger If we can find ways of listening to each other and connecting and working together. I hope that we will take those opportunities no matter what the outcome of the election is."