How to reignite the spark in your relationship

I have an amazing relationship with my spouse, and yet I will be the first to admit it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. We don’t always see eye to eye, sometimes we disagree about parenting decisions, and occasionally we argue over who will do the dishes or make the lunches (it’s me, I make the lunches).

These types of arguments are normal. In fact, many experts agree that occasional conflict in a relationship can be healthy.

Perhaps even harder than the occasional spat with a partner are those phases of life when things get so hectic and schedules so busy, that two loving partners essentially become two ships passing in the night.

During the chaotic and frenzied phases of life, we sometimes wind up shuffling around one another completing our daily tasks, focusing on taking care of our daughter’s needs, and feeling more like roommates than a loving married couple.

Undivided attention is one of the most loving things we can give to our partners. Think about the way your body language conveys attention. Are you looking away, turning your body towards the door as if you are about to walk out? Flailing intensely as you speak?

A lot of times couples come to therapy to have an uninterrupted block of time to give each other undivided attention. You can do this without therapy.

Try setting up an uninterrupted block of time to share and listen to one another. This means kids are occupied, electronics are away, and a transition from work to home has occurred. It’s also helpful to do something before this talk to help facilitate a calm mind and body. For example, go for a walk, take a hot bath, listen to a meditation.

Then set an intention to listen to your partner before entering into the conversation. Listening is the first step in the process before trying to reach any goal. If the couple falls into a common dynamic where one person talks a lot while another shuts down, this talk should have a time limit. This will give the more talkative person a reason to distill their words and give the less talkative person an end time to keep them from getting overwhelmed.

A key aspect to having sparks in a relationship is anticipation and mystery. Try spicing up the traditional date night idea by taking turns, planning and surprising each other with what you're going to do on date night.

Not only does this divide the emotional labor associated with planning date night, but it gives you something to look forward to. For example, one week a person could pick a new recipe and maybe even a movie that fits the theme of the recipe. The next week, someone could pull out a deck of cards and teach an old or new game. You could even drop hints throughout the week about what the plans are going to be in a flirtatious way to help build anticipation.

Mystery and anticipation require a bit of risk. Risks are hard to take when there is an underlying sense of being unsafe physically or emotionally.

If these things are happening regularly, take steps to do something different.

Quick tips for bringing the spark back:

In listening to Adrienne’s advice, I noted that bringing the spark back to a relationship has less to do with what is happening “between the sheets” and way more to do with how you’re talking to one another. As with all relationships, it comes down to solid communication skills, while of course adding in a healthy dose of creativity and commitment to build that mystery and anticipation.

This actually sounds like it could be a lot of fun! I’m here for it!

How do you keep the spark alive in your own long-term relationship?