Hey, moms, stop trying to make Christmas perfect: 3 ways to relieve that holiday stress so you can celebrate too

Around this time of year, a favorite line of mine repeats on an endless loop inside my head, growing louder on the days when the stress of the holidays gets a little overwhelming: "It's not a perfect Christmas if it's a perfect Christmas tree."

I say it out loud when my family is actually shopping for the Christmas tree. As we wander through the rows of trees at the State Farmers' Market, the rest of my family debates whether a tree is too skinny or too fat or has too many holes.

When they point one out to me, I simply pull out my line. They laugh and shrug their shoulders, but it works. Instead of fretting over the imperfections, in recent years, we usually leave the tree lot after about 30 minutes, often with a tree that's a little too wide or a little too sparse, but always looks beautiful once it's all decorated inside our small home.

So, as I attempt to match up the right card with the Christmas picture, I say: "It's not a perfect Christmas ..." and just order the thing.

When the toy I'm looking for is sold out, I say it again: "It's not a perfect Christmas ..." and move on because my child will survive.

And when I just can't do it anymore with the planning and the prepping, I say it: "It's not a perfect Christmas ..."

Because is it ever?

I have joyful memories of Christmas as a child - all those Christmas cookies we made together as a family; laughing at the reams of paper my mother wrapped and placed under the tree because money was tight, but she wanted there to be gobs of presents; playing flute at Christmas Eve service; staring at the lights on the tree; watching Christmas TV specials with warm apple cider.

But the specific moments that stand out to me aren't the absolutely perfect ones. They include the morning I woke up, unable to walk because both legs were asleep, so I Army crawled to the tree. Or the Christmas morning I had a severe stomach bug and had to take a break from opening presents. More recently, as an adult, it was the Christmas Eve night we spent with a plumber, fixing a clogged kitchen sink. Or, the first Christmas as a mother, where I spent way too much for my 10-month-old, who, at the end of the day, played only with a small orange ball.

So, as I see so many other people, and, let's face it, mostly other mothers, freaking out about whether the Christmas photo is perfect or the presents are in order, I take a deep breath and say: "It's not a perfect Christmas ..."

If you're feeling stressed right now, you're not alone - especially if you're a woman. According to the American Psychological Association, 44 percent of women report an increase in stress during the holidays; 31 percent of men felt the same way.

First, be mindful of this: Stress isn't necessarily bad.

"I think sometimes we're so caught up in, 'well, I shouldn't be stressed,' that we don't even acknowledge that I'm feeling stressed and stress can be helpful and motivate me," she said.

In fact, Zerwas said, it's a common struggle and a way to connect with others - something to grumble about together at the holiday party or fret about with your partner.

"This is how we connect," she said. "Honor that too. "It's teaching us something along the way."

But, there is a point where your stress levels can cross the line from healthy to unhealthy, Zerwas said. Here's how you can stay on the right side of that line.

Have you said anything like this lately?

"I should have taken the pictures already."

"I should have taken advantage of that 50 percent off coupon."

"My husband should know that I need help stringing up the lights."

"My mom should know my kids don't need another doll or toy car."

"I should be able to afford this."

Zerwas calls it the "should trap." That kind of thinking isn't helpful, she said, and leads people to compare themselves to their friends or neighbors or get upset about what their family members do or don't do. Don't fall into this trap.

"It's about setting your intentions ahead of time," Zerwas said. "How do I want to invest my money and my time to have this be something that I feel good about and also that I'm not overextending myself because I feel like I should."

If you don't enjoy making gobs of Christmas cookies or it's not part of your tradition, for instance, then don't. Buy some cookies at the store and check that off your do-to list, Zerwas said. Don't think you "should" make cookies because that's what everybody else seems to be doing.

Stop calling yourself names, Zerwas said. Don't use words like flaky or disorganized to describe yourself.

"Really watch yourself if you start to get into that way of thinking," she said. "Because you're not any of those things. Those are boxes that people put themselves in and it's hard to climb out of that box. We're all human. This is a stressful time of year for everybody. You don't have to put a label on yourself to kick yourself in the butt."

In other words, give yourself some grace.

Or, as Zerwas said, put gratitude in your attitude.

Put down the phone and take in the moments - whether it's opening another door on your advent calendar or lighting another candle on your menorah. And take time for yourself - making sure you get plenty of sleep and exercise (studies say that even just seven minutes of exercise is enough).

"Let yourself fully experience the richness of that," Zerwas said. "Engage all of your senses and let yourself have a little magic moment with it. ... Don't let little things go by because you are so locked in your head about what you have to do and that running list."

After all, Zerwas, a mom herself, reminds us: "Your kids want your presence, not your presents. They want you to be present in the moment. If you're running around, trying to make everything perfect, you're not really savoring that individual moment."

Say it with me: "It's not a perfect Christmas if ..."