Go Ask Dad: Unicorn biscuit head soccer practice

The first thing they did was to pass out red and blue “pinnies,” which sparked debate among the youngsters, for these articles of clothing were neither pens nor pins nor made of pennies. For the smallest players, including my daughter, the nylon mesh was tied in the front like this was the 1980s.

The first game was a classic version of red light-green light. Each player kicked a ball straight ahead (more or less) until a coach shouted, “Red light!” Then, they trapped the ball with one of their feet. Many fell over in the grass, laughing. Some sat on the ball like it was an egg, an interpretation that came naturally because, as per the instructions, everyone flapped their arms and did the chicken dance whenever a coach shouted, “Yellow light!”

Did I mention these coaches were awesome?

The next game was a variation of sharks and minnows. I think the point was for the minnows to kick the half-dozen soccer balls to the other side of the field without letting the sharks kick them in the opposite direction. But the sharks and minnows promptly forgot the instructions, as well as their assigned roles, and spent the time kicking whichever ball in whatever direction while declaring what kind of animal that they really wanted to be — alligators, crocodiles, sea snakes, tigers and eagles.

“I am a unicorn biscuit head!”

That’s my girl! She is only five and didn’t have the best experience playing last year on a different team. So, it’s a joy to watch her run and tumble and fall down laughing in the grass, and I’m grateful to her coaches for creating such a fun environment in which she can express herself in all of her unicorn-biscuit-head-fullness.

After a brief scrimmage, it was time to help the coaches pack up. The players helpfully collected the cones by placing them on their heads. I smiled at one boy: “Nice hat!”

“It’s a cone,” he looked at me with genuine sympathy, “Don’t you know that?”