Go Ask Dad: To the stranger being critical of my parenting

My name is Andrew. You don’t know that because you didn’t march up to me in grocery store to introduce yourself. Though we had never met, you felt it was appropriate to criticize me, specifically how I gave into my daughter’s demands for certain food items. You scolded me, “You will certainly spoil her!”

I snapped, “She’s won’t ‘spoil.’ She’s not a gallon of milk!”

You rolled your eyes and pushed your cart away in a huff as I fumed by the produce section.

Clearly, you and I got off on the wrong foot. Let’s step back and take a larger perspective, shall we?

Ram Dass, a spiritual teacher and author, once characterized “that judgment mind” as “We are constantly saying, ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’” Why do you think that we judge other parents so harshly? Might your reaction have had more to do with you? Hasn’t there been a time when you acquiesced to your kid’s meltdown in the checkout line and given her whatever would make her quiet, even if it was a piece of candy right before supper? Maybe my situation struck a little too close to home.

I admit that I am a little defensive about my parenting choices. Ok, more than a little defensive. I’m not always sure what to do—when to be firm, when to simply move on. Candidly, my reaction depends, in part, on how I’m feeling, upon whether or not I’ve had a productive day or enough sleep the night before. I’m not as consistent a parent as I would like to be.

I don’t know if our paths will ever cross again, but I wish to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure you have stories to share. Maybe you have gleaned wisdom from your experience that really could help me the next time my daughter wants that box of sugary cereal. It would also help me to hear about your trials and errors, if only to know that I’m not alone in my frustrations and doubts. Who knows? We might even end up laughing together!

But let’s get back to that tense moment in the grocery store: do you know what would have been most helpful thing you could have done for me? To hold the space in that uncomfortable moment without judgment. Next time, could you suspend your impulse to criticize? Even if my kid is throwing an ear-piecing, head-splitting tantrum? You might have lent a helping hand. Maybe helped to unload the shopping cart in the checkout line.

Here's the truth: just a sympathetic smile would have meant a great deal to me. I bet you know that. After all, one of the gifts of parenthood is that it can teach us to appreciate the small things that loom large in our hearts.

Dass also wrote that, “We are all just walking each other home.” While you and I parted ways, our encounter has stayed with me. Instead of saying, “You’re too this,” or “I’m too that,” I hope we could learn from it. Kindness is one thing that we can always give to one another. And what could ever be a more eloquent prayer than that?

In hope,

Andrew