Free Melania! First lady needs relief during Mar-a-Lago trips

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. -- It's during these presidential trips to Mar-a-Lago that I feel sorry for first lady Melania Trump.

OK, I always feel sorry for Melania. But when she's with her husband in Palm Beach, I feel extra sorry.

Donald Trump's in his glory down here. He gets to occupy most of his days with leisurely outings to his nearby golf course punctuated by high-level strategy briefings from his top advisers -- Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine and the couch intellectuals at "Fox & Friends."

And then at night, Trump can wander the property to solicit "thank yous" from all the enormously wealthy Mar-a-Lago club members who received a disproportionately generous windfall they didn't need from the tax law he championed.

But poor Melania. She's like some forlorn, aging princess penned in the ogre's castle, released only to participate in heavily staged photo-op events that are no fun at all.

For example, this week while her husband and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe were having some quality bro time at the Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Melania was saddled with escorting Abe's wife, Akie, on a guided tour of the Flagler Museum in Palm Beach.

I could imagine Akie whispering in furtive Japanese to her translator during the tour: "Why do these Americans think I care about Henry Flagler and his pipe organ?"

What would have been a true diplomatic breakthrough this week is if Melania had stopped the motorcade on the way to the museum and told Akie, "Girlfriend, you and I are going rogue. We're ghosting the Flagler.

"I've ordered the Secret Service to clear the Neiman Marcus on Worth Avenue. We're going to try on lots of clothes and pound some mimosas. Then when we're done cleaning out the racks, we can cross the street to Van Cleef & Arpels and buy ourselves the kind of bling they'll be able to see from the Space Station."

Nobody would hold it against her. Republicans and Democrats would agree: Melania deserves some quality "me" time in Palm Beach County during the vast hours when she is left behind at Mar-a-Lago. The light in her eyes is fading fast, and we ought to do something to restore it before it's extinguished.

Free Melania!

With that in mind, I've come up with three local field trips for Melania that would be fun, and I've given them a contrived political purpose to make them seem relevant enough to appease her distracted husband.

First Lady Excursion No. 1: The Palm Beach Kennel Club

Stated purpose: To highlight the extra disposable income that American citizens have due to the new tax law.

Real purpose: To spend a few hours in the sunshine hanging out with sketchy railbirds and betting on the dogs.

Fake talking point: "Seeing the many ways that everyday Americans spend their hard-earned money is inspiring and an affirmation of our cherished economic freedom that has only improved during my husband's time in office."

Real talking point: "So this guy Wolfie, who helped me cash a three-dog box in the fifth race, told me that the key is to watch which ones relieve themselves during the post parade."

First Lady Excursion No. 2: The Starbucks coffee shop in downtown West Palm Beach

Stated purpose: Melania will be in the company of a young black man as they both use their respective restrooms in the Clematis Street coffee shop without purchasing anything in advance.

This will highlight the problem of racial bias that came to light when two black men were charged with trespassing at a Philadelphia Starbucks because they wanted to use the coffee shop's restroom, and hadn't bought anything while waiting for a friend to arrive.

Real purpose: To spend a leisurely day with hunky "Black Panther" movie star Chadwick Boseman.

Fake talking point: "It was gratifying to see that Chadwick, like me, was able to use a Starbucks bathroom without being subject to arrest. I am proud, along with the president, that we as a country are making significant progress as a society."

Real talking point: "After a day with Chadwick, I was ready to be the First Lady of Wakanda."

First Lady Excursion No. 3: Deep sea fishing trip on Lantana-based charter boat

Stated purpose: To highlight the Trump administration's support for Florida tourism and the need to keep our oceans clean so Americans can enjoy the full job-creating bounty of its recreational opportunities.

Real purpose: For Melania to have a very private party with her homies from Slovenia. No fishing involved.

Once Melania is offshore on the drift boat and away from the press, her boat will rendezous in international waters with a small submarine that will carry a half-dozen of her best childhood friends from Slovenia, along with Slovenian pop star Robert "Magnifico" Persut, who will be aboard to sing his big hits, including "Hir Aj Kam Hir Aj Go."

After a few solid years of being subjected to listening to Lee Greenwood singing, "Proud to be an American" for the umpteenth time, Melania desperately needs a chance to touch base with her heritage while nobody's looking.

As she removes all her makeup, pulls her hair back, and gets into a comfortable sweatsuit, the fishing rods will be stowed and in their place will be a banquet of Slovenian treats, including belokranjska povitica, that flaky wheel of dough stuffed with ricotta cheese and curds.

Fake talking point: "I loved my time fishing off the beautiful Florida coast, and I will be donating the many fish I caught, cleaned and fileted to a local food bank."

Real talking point: "OK, everybody. Shot glasses in the air. Woooo. Slovenia first!"

Frank Cerabino writes for The Palm Beach Post. Email: fcerabino(at)pbpost.com.

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