RALEIGH, N.C. — Motherhood is challenging. While previous generations had tight knit communities to help them through the highs and lows of motherhood, many of today’s families live a greater distance from their firmly established support system. They say it “takes a village” to raise a child, and yet many parents today are forced to navigate child rearing without much help at all.
What makes it even tougher is the constant barrage of expectations society throws our way. From the push to have an all-natural childbirth and embrace breastfeeding, to the intense battles over baby-led weaning, the cry-it-out method, and use of screentime, it seems like everyone has something to say about the way you choose to parent your child.
Time Magazine put out an outstanding article in 2017 by Claire Howorth that explored the so-called
Goddess Myth surrounding motherhood.
According to Howorth:
The Goddess Myth, spun with a little help from basically everyone–doctors, activists, other moms… tells us that breast is best; that if there is a choice between a vaginal birth and major surgery, you should want to push; that your body is a temple and what you put in it should be holy; that sending your baby to the hospital nursery for a few hours after giving birth is a dereliction of duty. Oh, and that you will feel – and look – radiant.
A Time Magazine survey found that half of all new mothers had experienced regret, shame, guilt, or anger, mostly due to unexpected complications and feeling a lack of support. More than 70% of mothers felt pressured to do things a certain way.
Most moms would agree that these feelings come up quite a bit throughout the motherhood journey. For the 30% that don’t feel pressured to do things a certain way, the rest of us are eagerly waiting for you to publish a guidebook for us. I will be first in line to purchase it!
HER Health Collective recently sat down with
an expert panel to discuss the expectations of motherhood and explore the harmful effects they are having on a generation of moms. Here’s what a nutritionist, pediatrician, birth and fertility doula, and pelvic floor physical therapist had to say.
The Dietitian
According to Anna:
As a dietitian, I see a lot of parents feeling like their children are supposed to eat a certain way and look a certain way. The misconception is that parents are 100% in charge of their children’s weight, or that their children are supposed to eat a variety of foods all the time. The truth is that how we eat is greatly determined by our personalities and is greatly determined by who we are. I have three children, and they all are very different eaters, and they all have the same mother. And as far as this misconception about parents being in control of what their children look like, or what their weight is, again, it’s very much determined by genetics.
The goddess myth has these external, very rigid, right or wrong, black or white rules that take mothers away from listening to their intuition, listening to what’s right for ourselves, listening to what’s right for our children. With being a mother, there’s this perception from society, that there’s a wrong way or right way, when the truth is everyone’s different, every situation is different. Instead, if we can empower mothers to turn inward to themselves and their children, they could figure out what’s best.
The Pediatrician
Joni Johnson, MD is a Pediatrician and certified Health and Wellness Coach with over 12 years of clinical experience supporting individuals with ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, mood disorders and behavior problems.
Here’s what Dr. Johnson had to say:
As a pediatrician, one thing I’ve always shared with my new parents is when you birth your baby, a parent’s manual doesn’t come out with the placenta. There’s no rulebook or guidebook… I think sometimes this goddess myth makes moms feel as though we can somehow control every moment. And the reality is we can’t, we’ve got to trust those in our village.
The goddess myth bothers me because it sets up unrealistic expectations and it doesn’t necessarily allow for us to just be flexible, and to deal with whatever pops up. It doesn’t give this impression that we as a mom are resilient and can handle it, so long as we are supported by those in our village.
Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist
Holly Durney, DPT is an APTA Orthopedic Certified Specialist and studied pelvic floor rehabilitation training at the Herman and Wallace Pelvic Rehabilitation Institute. She utilizes her knowledge of orthopedics to treat pelvic pain, pre and post natal issues, and incontinence at
Smart Athlete Physiotherapy.
Here’s what Dr. Durney shared:
I would say for me as a physical therapist, I see women not seeking care for themselves. They have put their baby first and then they come to see me two or three years later when they finally have time to think about their back pain. And then also just the misconception of the “you don’t need to go have physical therapy because your muscles are just going to heal because all women are made for childbirth.” The fact is, the body goes through a ton of changes and trauma and it doesn’t just rebound on its own. Women are just expected to heal and not talk about it unless something went terribly wrong. But, pregnancy is a big deal and unfortunately it’s just not treated that way.
Birth & Fertility Doula
Emily Chaffee is a fertility and birth doula, childbirth educator, perinatal massage therapist, certified educator of infant massage and owner of
Carolina Birth and Wellness, a full spectrum doula agency.
Emily said:
There’s this expectation that women should be mothers, in general. As a fertility doula I’m working with women who are struggling to become a mother. So then, what does your identity become when you can’t do the thing that everyone is telling you that you’re supposed to do?
We see it a ton with our birth clients and postpartum clients. They don’t have the birth that they “should'' have, they use the medications because “they gave in.” During the postpartum period something happens that they don’t feel in control of and I think that’s where a doula can be really powerful. We are able to say 'no, you are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to say this is what I need and find support.'
The Common Threads
Here are the common threads all the experts shared in their responses:
- Give yourself grace and acknowledge that there is more than one right way to be a good mother.
- Learn to trust your instincts, especially when it comes to your children. Nobody knows your child like you do.
- Embrace being flexible when you can and let go of the need to control things as much as possible.
- Find ways to implement self-care. You cannot be the mom you want to be when you haven’t taken time to care for yourself. We are better in all facets of life when we’ve had time for rest and recovery.
- Finally, and perhaps most importantly, lean in and accept support from those in your circle.
Every child is different. It’s time we embrace those differences and acknowledge that no mother will raise their kids in the exact same way. The truth is, there is no one right way to parent a child.
If you’ve just finished reading an entire article about parenting, you’re undoubtedly a parent that cares very much and is likely doing the very best you can. That’s what this motherhood journey is all about - doing the best we can, one day at a time, all the while knowing that some days may not look very pretty from the outside looking in. That’s okay, because tomorrow we will wake up and try our very best again, for the sake of our children.
Crissy Fishbane is the co-founder of HER Health Collective, a supportive community and resource hub for moms. She is a certified therapeutic exercise specialist, personal trainer, wellness coach, and former high-school psychology teacher. Crissy believes in a holistic approach to women’s health and is a strong advocate of improved screening and treatment of perinatal mood disorders. She is passionate about building a supportive community for moms where they can make genuine connections and build authentic relationships. 
