‘Defund the Police’? Easy for You to Say

Q: In light of recent events, my next-door neighbors apparently believe the police should be abolished. They placed a sign on their front porch that reads: “Defund the Police.” But we live in a neighborhood that has been vandalized in the past, and my neighbors are often away from home. Should I respect their wishes, as evidenced by the porch sign, and not call 911 if I see an act of vandalism in progress on their property? — L.T.

Posted 7:02 p.m. Jul 2, 2020 — Updated 7:02 p.m. Jul 2, 2020

Philip Galanes

, New York Times

A: Here’s a wild idea: Why don’t you ask them? Many of the reports I’ve read about defunding the police focus on limiting the deployment of armed police officers to situations where they may be necessary and helpful — such as violent crimes.

Many activists point to the large share of state and local budgets dedicated to police services when many calls to police (about persistent homelessness or family conflicts, for instance) would be better handled by social workers. Why not redirect some police funds to affordable housing and mental health services, they ask?

Still others would like to dismantle the current model of policing, as Minneapolis has pledged to do, and reimagine community safety given the frequency with which officers kill unarmed Black men and women. To them, our police forces are existentially steeped in racism and excessive violence. Ongoing protests across the nation are calling for meaningful change.

If you are concerned about this issue or disagree with your neighbors, approach them nicely to talk about it. But given “recent events,” as you call them (or more candidly, yet another spate of senseless killings by police), your neighbors may not want you to call 911 about vandals with spray paint. They may fear a disproportionate police response.

Safety First?

Q: My husband works in a large hospital and has direct contact with COVID-19 patients. In the early days of the pandemic, I suggested he isolate outside the home we share with our 12-year-old son. Seeing the chaos in New York City made me question his ability to take the necessary safety precautions. Thankfully, his hospital was never overwhelmed. But he resents my attempts to “throw him out,” and I resent his lack of leadership in keeping our family safe. Should I have put family unity before safety? — Wife

A: You and your husband are wise to discuss your conflict openly. It would surely linger and darken your marriage if you hedged. I get the panic you felt at the outset of the pandemic with your husband in harm’s way. But he would probably feel less abandoned now if you had begun by asking for a jointly created whole-family approach to safety, rather than jumping straight to his moving out.

Presumably, he was in a better position than you to know about the supply of PPE at his hospital and the number of coronavirus cases there. What’s missing from your question, though, is why you believe he failed to protect you. Did he behave carelessly? Did he withhold information?

My layman’s intuition is that you should begin with an apology for skipping several steps in your understandably fearful opening gambit. This will give him room (and validation) to consider the ways he may have behaved better, too. Don’t be shy about consulting a couples therapist, either. They can be tremendously helpful.

Please Stop ‘Thinking’ of Me

Q: I had a miscarriage during my second trimester of pregnancy in 2016. The grief is fossilized in my heart. I don’t remember the exact date, but it was after Mother’s Day. I have no interest in commemorating this loss. But every year, my sister-in-law texts me some platitude, like “Thinking of you.” I reply with a terse thank you, hoping she will take the hint. But she doesn’t. How can she not see that her texts may be triggering? Also, how does she remember the date? Has she set a Google calendar alarm for my pain? — Anonymous

A: I am truly sorry for your loss. But your anger at your sister-in-law for messages that are clearly intended as supportive seems misplaced to me. I have learned, generally, that people are terrible mind readers. Stop hinting!

When you next see her, say: “I know you’re trying to be kind by remembering my miscarriage, but it’s not an occasion I want to memorialize. Please stop sending messages about it. They hurt me.” (And if you can’t bear to say it, text her.)

Yardwork, Interrupted

Q: Two young brothers race their bikes on our cul-de-sac and come to a skidding stop at the end of our driveway. This drives my husband crazy! He has to re-rake our gravel every time. He wants to bury planks of wood with nails protruding from them to deter the boys. I’m having a hard time convincing him why he shouldn’t. Help! — G.E.

Why? Because it is monstrous to put children’s safety (and your car tires) at risk this way. Just call the boys’ parents and report the problem. There, solved! As for your husband, tell him there is a bright red line between cranky and sociopathic. He is on the wrong side of it here.

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