Dating After #MeToo

Q: I’m a straight woman, and I’ve been on a series of dates with men lately where they end the night by saying: “Just so you know, given the last year and #MeToo, I am not going to make a pass at you. You are going to have to make the first move.” I’ve been struggling to find a succinct and not-angry response. Mostly, I’ve felt grossed out that they missed the whole point of #MeToo. I say good night and never see them again. But it’s happened often enough that I’d like a better reply. Any ideas? — E.

A: The power of #MeToo always struck me as two-tiered: The personal stories it’s yielded speak to the widespread sexual abuse and harassment that women and girls face every day. In turn, the prevalence of misconduct has increased awareness of and empathy with survivors, at least from anyone with a heart.

But the guys you’re dating seem to have missed the empathic connection with women, even as they’ve carefully noted the number of men affected. This is hugely disappointing. When people (here, men — but not always) don’t even try to identify with the pain of others, they often become more concerned with avoiding accusation than preventing further harm.

As for responding to guys who don’t know the difference between sexual assault and a good-night kiss, go with: “That’s OK. I’m not interested in dating anyone who doesn’t understand consent.” As for the rest of us (parents, teachers, siblings and friends), let’s get on this! The #MeToo women have done their job. Start a conversation about meaningful consent today. We can do better than ignoring the pain of others.

Q: My sister celebrated her 75th birthday at a posh country club. The only invitees were her husband, children and grandchildren. As her only living sibling, I think I should have been invited too. Claiming it was for nuclear family only is a fake dichotomy, and I’m very annoyed. I’m not talking to any of them since the party. What’s the next step? — ANONYMOUS

A: Let’s see. You’ve stomped your feet and tried the silent treatment. Have you considered holding your breath?

We all know that it hurts to be excluded — because it’s happened to all of us. But your sister had every right to design the party she wanted. (And for better or worse, the nuclear family is generally how our society is arranged.) When it’s your birthday, you get to make the guest list. Call your sister and apologize for your tantrum. Tell her your feelings were hurt. She’ll probably understand.

Q: I am a senior in high school. I used to be very close to a girl I’ve known since fifth grade, but she struggles with anxiety and depression and left school two years ago. I want to be supportive, so I text her occasionally to get together. I don’t usually have fun, but I don’t mind. She doesn’t see many people. The problem: She asks me to plan parties for her, including her birthday party. I hate to say no, but it’s a lot of work to plan a party, especially with the stress of college applications and my own social life to consider. What should I do? — A.D.

A: You’re an amazing friend to look out for a pal who’s struggling! I have an idea. If you like it, talk it over with your parents or a counselor at school. I love your kind impulse, but I don’t want you feeling burdened or stressed here.

I agree that planning parties for your friend is a big ask. But there’s a hopeful sign: People who are depressed and anxious often want to be alone. Your friend, on the other hand, seems to want to socialize, even if she doesn’t have the energy to organize it herself. Say: “I can’t plan a birthday party, but why don’t you hang out with me and some friends? We’d love to see you.”

It’s an opportunity to socialize, which may help her — and at little cost to you. She may accept. But even if she doesn’t, get an adult involved. Your friend needs more help than you can give her (or a party). It’s great to pitch in, but you can’t be responsible for her.

Q: My boyfriend gave me a beautiful necklace: a gemstone on a very fine chain. Unfortunately, the chain became badly knotted. My friends and I have tried to fix it, but it seems beyond repair. Should I tell my boyfriend what happened and encourage him to replace the chain as maintenance to his gift, or should I replace it myself? — ANONYMOUS

A: I’m going to put my foot down on “gift maintenance.” No such thing! If someone gives us a kitten, we keep it healthy and buy cat food. Still, a necklace chain should have a pretty long life. If it’s knotted because it’s defective or badly made, take it back to the store for repair or replacement. But if you were careless with it, the maintenance is on you.