Dad, Not the Nurse

Q: My mother died after a two-year battle with cancer. Her palliative care nurse (for much of that time) helped me wash and dress her body, and signed her death certificate. Now, my father has revealed that he began a sexual relationship with the nurse shortly after my mother died. I feel the nurse betrayed her patient, acted unprofessionally and preyed on my father at a vulnerable time. I despise her! This has caused a huge rift with my father. What to do? — Anonymous

Posted 5:37 p.m. Sep 28, 2018 — Updated 5:37 p.m. Sep 28, 2018

Philip Galanes

, New York Times

A: Your feelings are running hot right now, and understandably so, after your loss. But you make several claims without giving any factual basis for them. (That doesn’t mean you don’t have bases, only that you didn’t share them with us.) Let’s unpack this situation carefully.

Nurses generally owe a duty of care to their patients — here, to your mom during treatment, but not after her death, or to her next of kin. Still, like you, I’ve had loved ones who were helped by hospice and palliative care nurses. In our worst moments, they can become like members of the family. That may be a big factor in why you feel so betrayed.

Still, while I understand your distress, you haven’t made a case for the nurse behaving unprofessionally toward your mom or preying on your dad. (If you have details, contact the hospital.) The circumstances of this relationship, especially the timing, are not great. But unfortunately we don’t get a deciding vote on how and when people fall in love.

That leaves your question: “What to do?” Feel your feelings! And talk to someone about them, whether that’s a friend, a social worker or a grief counselor. Right now, it may not be possible for you and your father to console each other. But I hope you will in time. And I’m really sorry for your loss.

It’s Our Stoop, Too

Q: This spring, my boyfriend and I moved in together to our dream apartment in a beautiful brownstone. Everything has been perfect — except for one small hiccup. Every few days, our ground-floor neighbor, who enters the building at street level, puts a bin of unwanted household goods on our stoop: old toys, used cans of paint, trophies, etc. (Passers-by can take them if they want.)

But we’ve worked hard not to step around trash every day, so we started moving the bin off our stoop and onto the sidewalk next to it. When we came home from work — you guessed it! — the bin was back. My boyfriend asked our neighbor to keep the bin on the sidewalk to prevent our tripping over it. But he refused and said we are being OCD. What should we do? — Anonymous

A: Oh, my dear brownstone dweller, I’m sorry that it took a nasty downstairs neighbor to teach you an important life lesson: Nothing is perfect. Ever. These bins (of junk) constitute safety hazards and possibly city or fire code violations whether your neighbor places them on the sidewalk or on your stoop.

You tried to address the situation directly and failed. Turn this matter over to your landlord. (Neighborly disputes are part of the job description.) But don’t give up until the bins are gone. If dried-up quarts of paint have any value, your neighbor should donate them to charitable organizations. Otherwise they’re just litter, or the beginning of a personal injury suit.

Mom, at Least Make It the Classifieds

Q: Since I was a teenager, my mother has highlighted the careers of brides in wedding announcements in the newspaper and left them around for me to find. Now that I’m an adult, she sends me photos of the bios she finds relevant. She has good intentions, but her suggestions tend to be far-flung and unhelpful. I’ve also been successful in figuring out my career on my own. How do I ask her nicely to stop? — G.K.

A: Not to be a troublemaker, but I interpret your mother’s behavior differently. Given that her total frame of reference is the wedding section, isn’t it more likely that she’s highlighting careers she thinks may be more compatible with (imminent) marriage than yours? (Or maybe not.)

Just say, “Mom, I know you mean well. But your vows-inspired career advice feels like criticism of my choices. I’m happy in my work and not looking for a change. So, no more wedding announcements, OK?”

Can’t You See I’m Trying to Meditate?

Q: I began attending a large group meditation to cope with some major life events. My day job requires lots of social interaction, so the meditation is a welcome escape. But for several weeks, a man I don’t know seeks me out when I arrive. He then tries to strike up conversations with me by asking questions about my life and work. How can I signal that I’d rather be left alone? — E.O.

A: How would you feel about the truth, delivered kindly to a fellow meditator? “You know, my job requires a lot of talking. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to use the time before meditation to prepare quietly. Thanks!” That should do the trick.

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