Dad, Can You Not?

Q: I am a 16-year-old girl with a twin brother. I get along fine with him and our parents — with one big exception: Every morning when I come downstairs, my dad makes a comment about the way I look. “You hair looks pretty like that.” Or: “Those jeans are a little tight.” I find it really annoying. My brother picks up on this and usually piles on. Meanwhile, he dresses for everything like he’s going to softball practice, and no one says anything to him. I’d like to say something, but I’m afraid it will only lead to more comments. What do you think? — Genie

A: I hate to discipline your dad as we head into Father’s Day, but your complaint is totally valid. I often hear from girls that their parents and schools obsess over what they wear and how they look. Whether this is positioned as minimizing the temptation for boys to behave badly (aka victim blaming) or just commenting nonstop like your dad does, the message is the same — and all wrong: Women’s bodies are community property.

The morning routine at your house proves as much: Your brother’s appearance goes unremarked, while everyone gets a vote on yours. Part of me wonders where your mother is in all this. Would she be helpful, if you confided in her? Still, I prefer your going directly to the source. It will be great practice for the next time you bump up against sexism.

When you and your dad find some time alone, say, “Every morning you comment on the way I look. You never do that with [twin brother]. It hurts my feelings, even when you compliment me. It’s as if you’re telling me: Boys are defined by what they do, but girls are valued only for how we look. I wish you’d stop it.” It will probably take a reminder (or three). Just stay calm. And my hunch is that your brother is needling you. When your dad knocks it off, he will too.

Here’s to Divorce

Q: When my ex-husband and I divided our property during our divorce, I took the Waterford crystal glasses that his parents gave us as an anniversary gift. He didn’t want them. Now, our son is getting married, and his fiancée told me that my ex-mother-in-law thinks the “right thing to do” is for me to give the bridal couple the stemware as a wedding gift. But I don’t want to! Should I? — Anonymous

A: One of the joys of divorce is never having to listen to your former in-laws again. Drink up, darling! Those fancy glasses are yours until you say otherwise. If they are family heirlooms, keep that in mind before disposing of them, but even then, it’s your call. And personally, I’d watch out for your soon-to-be daughter-in-law. She sounds a bit grasping.

Pony Up? But I Barely Know Her!

Q: Every month, I am solicited by well-meaning co-workers to contribute $10 or $20 to a wedding, baby shower or birthday gift for someone who works in the office. The gift is later presented to the honoree at an office party. While our workplace is small (fewer than 80 people), it’s impossible to know everyone well enough to want to contribute. Often, I’d rather not. But it’s a public process: The organizer has pen and card in one hand, and the other open for cash. As one of the few executives, I’m conflicted. Must I always smile, sign and pony up? — Gary

I suspect a clear majority of the work force would appreciate a memo from on high that said: Drinks or fancy coffees after work are more appropriate for celebrating co-workers than coercive money wrangling and sheet cakes in the conference room.

People who want to go out after work can; others will invent excuses. But selective gift giving and parties — not everyone gets them, I bet — strike me as unfair and bad policy.

She’s Not My ‘Partner’

Q: I am a lesbian. It really irks me when people refer to my girlfriend or other gay people’s significant others as our “partners.” To me, it sounds diminishing and an attempt to couch gay relationships in terminology that’s different from straight ones. How should I respond to people who call my girlfriend my partner? — Sara

A: Funny, a few years before we married — or anyone could — I began referring to my husband as my “partner.” It’s not a perfect term, with its business-y overtones, but it seemed a tad more grown-up than “boyfriend.” (I also hear “partner” in fairly wide usage among straight couples.) But my preference is irrelevant. It’s your relationship, and your call. Don’t assume that anyone’s out to diminish you. Just say, “We prefer ‘girlfriend,’ thanks.”