Aging Well

Cultivating Steadiness in Unsteady Times

The pandemic has introduced many problems we could not have anticipated or planned for. Keep cultivating the steady mind needed to respond wisely to whatever arises.

Posted Updated
What steadies the mind
By
Liisa Ogburn

Let's be honest: it can take a Herculean effort to remain steady in these terribly unsteady times. It seems there is always another headline, when I open the news in the morning, that sends my heart rate up and my shoulders up to my ears. Whether it's reported that we've hit a new record daily case count or hospitalization rate or number of daily deaths is beside the point, we are in that dark period post-holiday travel when the news is more likely to be bad than good. We are also ten months in from that Friday the thirteenth announcement last March that in-person school and other details of life as we knew it would be changing. We are tired.

As many of us learn as we age, while we can and should do our best to put in place the external and internal supports we need to live with peace and equanimity, we cannot -- through our own effort and planning -- control every circumstance that lands on our doorstep.

This week alone, I've had to figure out answers to problems I'd not encountered before, like:

  1. What if you suspect Dad has COVID, but is too weak to go out to be tested?
Pick up a test kit at one of the many free test sites, swab dad, then return the completed test for processing, having the results texted or emailed to you.
  • What if Dad really doesn't want to go to the hospital, but you are unsure whether he needs to?
  • Call his primary care physician. Describe the symptoms you see. Be specific. What changes are you seeing with his eating, sleeping, behavior, etc.? What does the doctor recommend?
  • What do you do if Mom gets COVID and there are no local family members to help and no home care agencies who have aides available and willing to work in a COVID-positive house?
  • You keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. If there are significant needs and you cannot find an agency with an aide avilable and willing to work in a COVID-positive house (or can't afford the $40/hour rate some agencies quoted me), then send in a younger, healthier family member with PPE to live with the loved one (assume they will get COVID) and/or put together a patch work of supports of food and medication delivery, and paid care for (roughly ten-plus days out) when the virus is past.
  • What if Dad is COVID-positive and in the hospital and requires rehab?
  • There are unfortunately (and understandably) few rehab beds available for COVID-positive patients. This will limit your options. Dad may have to go outside the area for rehab where there is a bed for a COVID-positive patient. However, keep in mind, the bed counts nearby fluctuate day to day and even hour to hour. It could be the case that an hour after you have resigned yourself to the fact that Dad will need to be transported for rehab far away, a bed may come available nearby. Be grateful if this happens.
  • What if Mom's COVID suddenly amplifies her dementia and it is clear she can no longer live safely at home?
  • Know that in the short-term, you will not be able to find an Assisted Living or Memory Care community who will take a COVID-positive admission. This doesn't mean you can't begin looking for a place. That said, once the COVID passes, Mom may recover such that a move may not be as urgent.

    If I have learned anything at all during the years I've been working with families to problem solve the issues that arise during the last years of life it is this: put in place the practices or habits you need that enable you to meet whatever arises with a steady, flexible and wise manner. As Epictetus, a Greek stoic philosopher born in 50 A.D., once said, "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

    That is something we can have control over.

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