“Is everything going okay? I’m nervous.” Our server was clearly uneasy as she collected our plates; she knew that we were renowned burgiatrists.
“Did you cook the burgers?” Michael asked her.
“Then you’re fine.”
Truth be told, my less-than-effusive opinion of “The Arrogant” Burger at Tobacco Road Sports Cafe in Raleigh
was partly a result of my own waywardness, as I broke a cardinal rule of burgiatry: “For each burger, a mind clear of expectations.” Though burger linguists have long debated the exact meaning of the original Latin (Te osculari volui, burger), the verse is generally taken to mean that we should ignore florid descriptions (“black pepper-crusted patty with Arrogant Bastard Ale mustard”), beguiling accoutrement (“your choice of side,” including “sweet potato mash”), and seductive come-hither website burger pics.
On the one hand, I stand guilty of the above-mentioned trespass. On the other hand, the burger just wasn’t that good.
Scott’s review: 2.75 out of 5
First, let me say that offering 3-ounce servings of draught beers for $1 each – especially with a beer list as sizable as Tobacco Road’s – is brilliant. That said…
Despite having been burned by cheese-filled burgers in the past, I went with the Stuffed Burger - a patty crammed with cheese and topped with bacon, more cheese and caramelized shallots. It is difficult to cook cheese inside a burger. If it’s not cooked enough, the burger falls apart. Too much, the cheese is cooked to tastelessness. Tobacco Road got it right. It was gooey goodness. Plus, the bacon was crispy and the shallots retained very good flavor through the caramelization. Problem was, the patty was bland – and, though saved by the cheese – a little dry. For that reason, the Stuffed Burger doesn’t quite make a four-rating in my book.
Overall, though Tobacco Road Sports Cafe was a great place, the service was excellent, and I can’t wait to sample the rest of the menu. I’ll be back.
Michael’s rating: 3.75 out of 5
Dressed to the nines. Everything precisely in its place. In outline, she was stirringly well-proportioned. In fashion she was adorned in luxuriant, complementary colors and textures. The vision of her set my rods and cones into an electric hum. As she accompanied the waitress to our table, it was urgent that she join me and we begin the passionate love affair I was certain would ensue.
Suddenly, she was before me. I breathed her warm and satisfying air. Then, with no need or time for pointless banter, I brought her to my lips and discovered…that the Tobacco Road burger – just the basic this time – looks much better than it is. The bun (not a kaiser!—can I get an amen?) appeared house-baked and was good, but a little dry. The patty was overcooked and a bit bland. Leaf lettuce was a little soggy and had me pining for shredded iceberg. There was the promise of love and yet, though she was lovely, she lacked personality and depth. After a few dates, I will likely move on.
John’s review: 3.5 out of 5
Scott, Michael and John are The Straight Beef,
a group of professional burgiatrists who review, rate and rank Triangle-area burgers on their award-winning blog.
You can read more about The Straight Beef, including their education and scholarship, ratings system, and burger categorization method here