My buddy, Pete, joined me beside the neighborhood pool. My two youngest kids were in Raleigh with my parents, and I was there with my 11-year-old, who was off swimming with his friends. His measure of independence afforded me the opportunity to catch up with Pete.
Next month, his brilliant daughter is off to her first year of college. I asked how the summer had gone, and he chuckled, “Pretty awful.” He and his daughter have fought about everything from cleaning the dishes to putting gas in the car, from what she’s wearing to when she’s coming home. He joked, "She wants me out of her life, except to pay for her phone!”
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It's good, even holy, to keep one's humor in the face of transition and to know that one’s trial is not necessarily unique to you and your loved one. Such sparring between parents and their soon-to-be college students is called“ soiling the nest.” Baby birds grow up thanks to their parents, who built them a home and then fed them until they were strong enough to take to the air. Before they leave, the birds leave their “presents” all over the nest.
Pete’s a smart guy and a sensitive dad. He knows his only child needs to differentiate from her parents. She is excited and ready to soar toward her dreams, and at the same time, she is anxious about leaving her protective nest. Likewise, he has mixed feelings: he’s proud to let her go and desperate to keep her close.
If you, too, are facing this situation with your child, perhaps it would help to explore the possibility that the recent shouting match was actually not about walking the dog but the complicated feelings around moving into the dorm. Maybe you could even mention the “soiling the nest” metaphor. This dad says that poop jokes help.
My chat with Pete was interrupted by my son, who came to me wanting ice cream from the pool’s snack shack. Pete gave me a thumbs-up as I grabbed my wallet and got to my feet. While I have been known to grumble about being used as an ATM, I suddenly had a new appreciation for the treats at this stage of parenting.
Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of Little Big Moments, a collection of mini-essays about parenting, and Tigers, Mice & Strawberries: Poems. Both titles are available most anywhere books are sold online. Taylor-Troutman lives in Chapel Hill where he serves as pastor of Chapel in the Pines Presbyterian Church and occasionally stumbles upon the wondrous while in search of his next cup of coffee.