Holding two different things at the same time is difficult. Think differing opinions, politics, conflicting feelings. It requires the difficult skills of floating and treading lightly. Something akin to walking on Jello.

I found Alzheimer’s to require that skill in a big way.

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It was like I had 2 moms, both who I loved. The one from before with whom I shared so many things and the one now who I also loved very much but with whom I had a different relationship. I had to set aside the previous Mom, often totally, to fully enjoy the now one. But sometimes, I needed to reach out and hold the one I’d once known.

It may sound crazy, but I needed to fully embrace this “new” woman, while holding on to the old. I’m guessing that in a way it was not unlike what she was experiencing – loving and enjoying me (who was likely a stranger to her, albeit one with whom she felt safe and liked) while still having old memories of people and things, including me, jumbled up in her mind.

Early on, I mourned the loss, hard. I wanted things to be like they had been. I wanted the Mom I knew and needed. Thankfully, I gradually learned that what time we did have left was precious.  I did not want to waste it by longing for something that was gone, allowing that to get in the way of the present. I certainly spent time working through those feelings. Fortunately I had the help of a therapist, friends, family and many, many times turned to art or music to help me express what I was experiencing.

One extremely meaningful song to me came from the great Emmylou Harris. She beautifully recorded “Hold On” (by songwriter Jude Johnstone). I would listen and sing this lyric again and again:

A battle's raging in your head
You wish you didn't have to fight
Just hold onto my hand instead
Another day goes by tonight

I made it my mission to study how to best interact with Mom. I watched many helpful videos from magnificent occupational therapist and dementia advocates Teepa Snow and Melanie Bunn, where they modeled how to set myself up for successful visits. I read Teepa’s blog, attended Caregiver workshops with Dementia Alliance NC and read books. I watched others interact with their loved ones, gleaning knowledge from people who were ahead of us on the path.

And I learned to try to trust my own instincts. My Mom and I had known each other for my whole life. I was 40 when she was diagnosed, so that’s a long time. I leaned on that bond, the innate connection we had.

In the end I’m so thankful I could hold those two weights, a challenging balancing act. I don’t regret one moment I spent enjoying the “new” mom. And now that she is gone, I can freely visit the “old” Mom in my heart and mind whenever I want.

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