Many things have changed since we were kids, but one thing that has remained a constant is young children’s desire to play with their friends.

As a child I was dropped off at friends’ houses or rode my bike around the neighborhood with other kids until the streetlights came on. My mom generally knew where I was, though specific details didn’t seem as pertinent in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

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Yet, most of my mom friends today would agree, the idea of sending our kids off to a new friend’s house can feel more daunting than it did for our parents.

It’s interesting because we can often find a host of data declaring that the world is actually safer than it was when we were kids and that there has never been a safer time to be a kid in America. This research is often cited on websites promoting free-range parenting and in various parenting books that encourage you to raise your kids like Scandinavian or German parents.

Regardless of the research, I have come to accept that I don’t personally feel comfortable dropping my 6-year-old daughter off at one of her friends’ houses if I don’t know her parents very very very well. The fact of the matter is, the issues parents worry and fret over are far different from generations past. For many parents, these same worries and fears may arise if sending their child to an in-home daycare or babysitter.

There are a host of reasons for this, but one of the common threads I hear time and again from fellow parents is an uncertainty around gun ownership and questions about safe firearm storage in someone else’s home.

It’s sad, but not unwarranted. According to NCSAFE, firearms are now the leading cause of injury-related death for children and youth in North Carolina. The rate of child deaths caused by firearm injury in North Carolina rose by 231% from 2012 to 2021.

Those numbers are enough to give me pause and make me want to ask for more information from my daughter’s friends’ parents before I send her off on an unchaperoned playdate.

It’s an uncomfortable and potentially awkward topic to broach with someone who is essentially a stranger, particularly in today’s politically charged climate. Do you have a gun in your home? If so, how do you store it? Can one of our children potentially access your firearms while in your home? Is my child safe in your care?

While this may be a sensitive discussion to have, it is one well worth having. One quick conversation could be the difference between an enjoyable playdate and a tragic afternoon. It could also potentially serve as a catalyst for another family to reconsider how they approach firearm storage in their home.

The Be SMART campaign was launched to raise awareness that “secure gun storage—storing guns locked, unloaded and separate from ammunition – can save children’s lives. Be SMART emphasizes that it’s an adult responsibility to keep kids from accessing guns, and that every adult can play a role in keeping kids and communities safer.”

Here are some tips to ensure safe gatherings with kids from NCSAFE:

  • Educate your children. Children can be curious, and they may not always know the difference between a real gun and a toy. That’s why it’s so important that parents make sure their child knows what to do if they find a gun. They should never touch it, period. They should leave the room and alert an adult in the home immediately.
    • Start the conversation with the other parents. Before bringing up gun safety, you might first ask about other points of safety — such as whether they have dogs, a fence around the pool, and parental controls on their internet browser.
      • If you’re a gun owner, describe how you store your firearms at home to reassure the parents that visits to your house will be safe. Then ask how they store any firearms they own.
      • If you’re not a gun owner, you could start the conversation by saying that your children have no experience with guns. Ask if there are any unlocked guns in the home.
      • Listen for red flags. Consider whether the other parent’s home sounds like a safe environment for your children. One red flag is a parent saying that their guns are hidden or “out of reach.” Kids can find anything adults try to hide. If you don’t feel comfortable with the parent’s answer, consider other places the kids can get together. Alternatively, if it’s an option, consider attending the get-together with your child.
      • If possible, consider extending the first invite. When you invite someone’s child into your own home first, you can clarify your safety protocols and reassure the other child’s parent. Then, when it’s your turn to ask about safety at their home, you’ve already broached the subject.

        • According to NCSAFE, about 3.8 million adults in North Carolina have firearms in their homes.

        Nearly 40% of all unintentional shooting deaths among children 11-14 years of age occur in the home of a friend. Some parents believe that simply hiding their guns will prevent children from accessing them. However, 75% of children who live in homes with guns know where the guns are stored.

        At the end of the day we can’t assume our children will know what to do if they come across a gun in someone else’s home, we have to actively teach them. We also can never assume we know how another family approaches gun safety in their home. It is your right and duty as a parent to ask.

        Crissy Fishbane is the co-founder of HER Health Collective, a supportive community and resource hub for moms. She is a certified therapeutic exercise specialist, personal trainer, wellness coach, and former high-school psychology teacher. Crissy believes in a holistic approach to women’s health and is a strong advocate of improved screening and treatment of perinatal mood disorders. She is passionate about building a supportive community for moms where they can make genuine connections and build authentic relationships. Crissy is a regular Go Ask Mom contributor.